happier

I hate the way you make me feel.
Sad.
Angry.
Frustrated.
With a single glance from across the room,
You stir up all of these emotions in me.

I was never looking for something serious.
And it seemed like you weren't either.
Friends with benefits seemed like a fine option,
Because making out doesn't involve feelings, right?

But you hurt me.
Not because you got a girlfriend.
I didn't want to date you, and I still don't.
It feels like you used me only when it was convenient for you.
When you were lonely, you gave me attention.
Then you met someone else and suddenly you disappeared.
No more snapchatting.
No more conversations.
No more inside jokes.
It was just over.
When you broke up for a brief time, there you were again,
And the next second you were gone.

I'm not someone who you only talk to when it's good for you.
When you feel like it.
You said we were friends.
That's not what friendship is.
And now we can't even say hi without it being awkward.
Can't even be in the same room,
Can barely acknowledge each other's presence.
Words are whispered behind each others backs.
Messages exchanged not meant for the other to see.
But we do see.
And it fucking hurts.

And somehow it's my fault.
I got attached.
I caught feelings.
I wanted something that you couldn't give me.
But it's not my fault.
Yes, I'm jealous.
Yes, my heart hurts just hearing your name.
I admit that, okay?
But I don't want to be with you.
It has nothing to do with her,
It has everything to do with you.

You're the one who stopped talking to me.
The one who made me feel used.
Who stood me up,
Who broke me down.
I miss being able to have genuine conversations.
I miss not having to think about whether I can talk to you,
Or even ask for a swipe in the dining hall.
"We should hang out" doesn't always mean "we should hook up".
And it shouldn't.

And everyone says "get over her".
Can't you see I'm trying?
I'm trying so hard to stop thinking about you.
But I can't control my thoughts.
I can't control my dreams.
I can't control the feelings I get when I see you with her.

I hate what all of this has done to our friendship.
Sometimes, I think it would have been better if nothing had ever happened between us.
I ask myself "was it even worth it?"
But you've also had such an impact on my life.
You've had an impact on me.

In a situation like this, how can everyone end up happy?
We can't.
I can't.
But I hope you are.