HEALING SHIBARI

Part 1. The Run

"Little toy, how does it feel to be here, on a balcony, exposed for everyone to see? Your soft skin reacting to the chill of the wind before the storm, sending shivers down your spine... vulnerable and open, with only your breasts proudly on display for my eyes.

You tremble when they caress your beautiful curves, your hands craving to cover yourself up away from my view. What makes you insecure, little toy? What makes you want for me to touch you, to do anything to you, hoping that mere actions can hide your body from my scrutiny?

I will not touch you. I will only watch you, delighting in the way your breath comes in soft, controlled pants, how your body aches to move, how words of self-deprecating madness swirl in your head...

How I know it? You are showing it to me... with your eyes, the way you carry yourself when you come to me, like a lion turned lamb on the judgement day from the shame of not being good enough. You show it to me when you crave to apologise for your very existence, for every inch of space you take.

Right in this moment, when you are debating between opening up and running away in some corner of your mind and heart, where I cannot reach you, you know what will heal you. You know it, because it scares you, because you see that I see beneath your masks without your will to unveil. I can't really help myself doing something that comes naturally to both of us and that is exactly what scares you: that I can see in you what you, yourself can see in others. And it is terrifying to be faced with your own power, for you know that your skills are almost limitless and you wonder what if mine are the same. "

" Please... "

" Please what, my little angel? Yes, exactly. I mean what I say. I know what you are."

"But how..." I find it unbelievable for him to know my true nature, no matter how much it warms my heart that he does. I have to find out. He seems all the most excited to respond to my partial question as he continues in a soothing tone.

"When you are relaxed, you let go. You do not hold back your strength and your light. I saw them, your gracious wings of light one day when you were dancing in the lounge room, thinking nobody is watching. You were so beautiful in that moment, so exquisite, with your candor and love shining from within. I saw them and I realised that you had seen me, too."

He comes near me, circling my half naked form, never once touching, yet I can still feel him, his presence caressing me more intimately than any physical touch could.

"Too bad you do not see yourself..." he whispered deeply, his hot breath tingling the sensitive skin on the back of my neck. It felt amazing in contrast with the chilly air that bit at my nipples. "Your pain and fear go deep, my little angel. You do not give them voice. Instead, you keep them hidden on your body, on your luscious hips... your tense back... do not, for a second, think that I am anything but deeply impressed by what I see now. Not for a second will I let your mind lie to you, retelling you those vicious comments. I know you think your ass looks like that of an old, frumpy lady. I know that you almost hate the softness of your belly and you keep it sucked in tight every time I only as much as cast a look at it."

Those words sound like venom on his lips. They taste bitter and vile, almost showing me how much they hurt, how much more scared of hearing them being uttered to me that I tell them to myself constantly only to know that I am safe when others might do it, for I am already used to them. Maybe it is an excuse and an apology to the world for existing. He is right in every word he says and I am trembling with both joy and pure fear of what might happen from here on.

"You stripped for me when I asked you to" his words, spoken softly, but definitive, pull me out of my reverie. "You lay down your clothes only to build up walls in their stead. I can feel your tension, the struggle you go through, not knowing what I want, for I do not let you get lost in a repetitive choreography of pleasing me. I will alleviate some of that worry which plagues your mind by telling you now that you are not allowed to touch me for my pleasure. Not tonight. I do not allow you to lose yourself in pleasing my senses only because you want to hide and distract me. Nothing you will do to seduce me will have the desired outcome."

His words tear me down. I can feel tears prickling at the corners of my eyes, but I do not let them fall. I will not be weak. I will not let this affect me.

Just as the thought crosses my mind, he takes my hand in his and presses it on his cock. I can feel him through his pants, pulsating with want, hard as a rock. I am taken aback, my mind struggling to understand.

"Do not think that I said those things out of lack of desire. Your bravery, your presence does this to me." His voice is soft, full of emotion as he whispers in my ear. "Still, I do think the time has come for you to see yourself for what you truly are. A mirror has been set in our lounge. Go there and kneel in front of it on the seiza bench. Now."

His tone leaves no room for negotiation. I take a deep breath and walk slowly inside, the warmth enveloping me. I didn't even realise how cold it had gotten outside. My body quickly adjusts to the change in temperature as I approach the lounge room with slow steps, almost wishing for the ground to swallow me before I set foot in that place. Too bad I am already there, face to face with the spot of my future undoing. Deep down I know how much I crave this to happen, how much I wished it into being, yet now I am fighting myself for the courage to kneel and gaze at my reflection in the mirror.