I am a cancer survivor.
I have faced death and accepted fate once or twice.
but ... I've cried once.
I've kept myself strong for others.
I've held the dam closed and smiled brightly.
With a fractured spine and tube in my side, I've smiled.
I've watched my family mourn me before I was dying.
I've watched friends fall apart before I could
You could not imagine the pain of holding it in for those around you
I smiled for them and cried for me
Asking questions and hoping for answers
Hunched over in the dead of night
Head in hands
"Why me?"
A question I have frequently asked
Never heard an answer
Fate? Or was it chosen with a roll of a die?
Dwelling on the past is time-consuming
But how could you not dwell when all you have is time
I've listened to others ramble about their problems
A divorce. A break-up. Hunger. Depression. Stress.
But I can't talk about mine.
It's seen as a competition
I had cancer.
"Oh well, I broke my arm."
It's not a competition.
I've held it in for you. Not me. You.
I need to come to terms that I am fortunate enough to be living
To be breathing at this moment
Others take breathing for granted
A small breath of cold air can be suffocating to many
I am and forever will be grateful to the force that kept me going. To the fate that left me to live.
I have so much to live for.
Before I had no love. No support. No comfort.
I wished to die faster, then and only then would I finally be cared for and missed
I wished death upon myself
Not because I was suicidal but because of I, who desperately longed for the sweet embrace of someone who cares. Someone who loves me.
Someone that did not exist
You won't be able to grasp the feelings I felt
Not because you haven't felt the same
But because you aren't the me I was. You did not react as I did.
I don't know what the point of this is... to change your perspective? Or maybe just to let it out but... I am stronger than before. I have matured to some extent. And I smile at those who have stayed.
