RANTS

Why?

A/N self harm is mentioned! As well as sexual assault! Cussing!

Why are we on this earth if not to live or die then why? Why is there so much terrible shit that happens in this world? Why can't I tell if I'm gay,bi, straight, or pan? Why am I questioning my gender when I've never done so before? Why can't I tell the difference between dysphoria or dysmorphia? Is that even what they are called? Why do I want to die? Why do I want to self harm? Why did I have to do the thing I did over the summer ? Why am I such a shitty person? I just wish I knew the answers to these questions... If I ever find the answer to any of these questions I wonder if I'll feel better or worse at that point? Why do I know that I need a therapist,but believe that my problems aren't worth his/her/their time? My problems aren't the same as yours It's not like I was abused in any sense... well there was that one time that one kid lifted my shirt but is that abuse or just a one time thing? I don't go to school with that kid anymore... why'd I have to tell like I know it was the right thing to do but I regret it now.. if I'd known what telling would lead to idk if I'd ever tell I fucked up everything in my life and I hurt the only person I cared the most about... you see I say I hurt the person I cared about the most because this happened when we were together, and him and the dude let's call the guy I was with L and the dude who lifted my shirt K. I broke up with L shortly after the incident with K happened because it was too much as I was questioning my sexuality at the time and didn't understand and it's not because I didn't have supportive parents no I do I have my mom. Anyway before we had broken up I had signed up to be his "girlfriend" for the end of year play right and I happened to get that part and when it was time for our turn during rehearsals I bursted our in tears and guess what he took me back the next year..... and then I fucked up again shit happened over the summer and I moved and I saw him today at the store (September 1,2019) I was visiting my father so I saw him and I almost broke down in tears and then as soon as I got home I did.... I'm still in love with him though anytime I used to think of my future it used just be me and him together against the world, shit when I look now I still see just us together against the world..