Me, myself and I are different.

This is who I am. I'm different from her, from him, from them, from they, from us, from you from myself. I am too different. This is my own opinion. I'm not like everyone else.

I'm not interested in gossip, long phone conversations for up to three hours, I don't dress like all the girls at my school; I stand out, I don't always wear pretty dresses or fancy looking tops or the smallest hoodie or even the best looking bikini in summer; no, I wear trackies and plain singlets and t-shirts, I wear boys trackies, t-shirts, singlets, hoodies, yes I may wear a bikini in summer but I chose the plainest colour their is possible, I don't want to stand out in summer and be noticed by people.

I'm the type of person who can go by day by day being invisble and thinking that everyone doesn't see me. I was wrong. People do see me and I didn't think they did. I was surprised that I wasn't invisible to some and invisible to others. I might say myself that I am, antisocial, I like company, but I only like company with who I choose.

Yes I may be the girl that no one will like. I may be the girl no one wants to talk to. Yes I still may be the girl that no one likes and no one knows, but I'm just like the rest of you, I don't even know myself. I can't say that I don't know what my qualities are, but the qualities that I have heard from friends, I'm surprised. I have never woken up to myself and noticed all of this.

I don't judge people no matter what the situation is. I know that everyone else may judge, but not me. People may think that I'm lying. To tell you the truth, I'm not lying. Like I said I don't judge anyone except myself. Please don't judge me from what I'm about to tell you.

Yes I may have a little bit of a problem. Im not always happy every single day, fully, but I do have someone that makes me happy each day. I can't say his name but if he read this he would know it is him that I am talking about. He knows about all my little faults and problems. His always been their for me in the toughest times where I needed someone most.

His been their for me when I'm upset and crying on the floor, screaming. His been their for me when I have been afraid. His been their for me when I have wanted to run away from home. His been with me the whole way through my depression. His been the whole way with me with my cutting addiction.

I know that he hates seeing me like I am, but I try, really I do. And I'm trying to be the best person I can be. I'm trying to change myself quickly as possible. I don't want to kill myself this time, I want to keep living life, because I have finally found something worth living for. Not only would it hurt me, it would hurt him as well. I couldn't let him live the rest of his life knowing that someone that he loved had killed herself over something that was attacking her in her own mind.I want to live til I am old and grey. I want to live so I can have children and see my grandchildren. I want to see my nieces and newphews grow up and have kids of their own. I want to explore, go on adventures, find my family once again.

No one said that we had a choice to come into this world. We never had a choice. I never had a choice whilst I was growing up as a child. I was never spoilt like all these other kids are. I never went fishing with my father, never went on a shopping trip with my mother where our feet were sore. I never took my younger sister to the beach or watched my youngest sister play soccer in a school match. I had to imagine it, that's all.

I never had anything like that in my childhood. My childhood barely consisted of a family. Mother and father would always have arguments. They would scream and yell. I would stand in the entrance of the door, hands over my ears, being frightened. It wasn't until I was really frightened where my father would start hurting my mother and me.

My childhood was scary. It was like a horror movie where I couldn't escape from. I just wanted to get out, to be free, to be safe. I know I'm not going to be safe until he is gone completely. I know he is still out there, maybe looking for us but I can't let that happen. I don't want to be faced with something that has destroyed me.

I want to grow up already. I want to grow up and be married, have kids, and have a whole new life again. I want to restart my life again with someone I love and the people I love. I'm just waiting for the day where my kids can finally speak, I will be full of joy and happiness. When they finally speak up and ask me, "Mummy, what are those scars on your arms?" This is where I tell them, "Their battle scars baby. Battle scars that I have fought for my whole life. Battle scars that you don't want to have. They aren't worth it."

I call them battle scars because every single time I have fought this depression I have recovered and then gone back to giving myself battle scars. I am beginning to learn, but it's taking a slow process. Some day I will be free of this depression and I will have everything I ever wanted in my life, then one day I can wake up and be happy for the first time ever.

I'm just waiting for that day. I'm waiting, so when I wake up, I can wake up to the person I love so so much with a smile on my face.

Please don't judge on what you see written here. This is not who I had chosen to be. I'm fighting every day. I wish I could go back to when this all started. I wish I could go back and not be in the way of my mother and father's fights. I wish I had never picked up that blade many years ago. I wish I never tried to kill myself. I wish I didn't see these ghosts that make me go insane in my mind. I wish I could take it all back. I could of been happy.