Sometimes, when I'm feeling numb enough, I allow myself to fantasize. To day dream, not in your typical sense, but more of a morbid fascination. One of my favorites, I like to think of often, has such serenity and peace in its grotesque pleasure. When I feel empty, just enough, my mind wonders to it. To it's frightening glory. It gives me a sense of control. Something I'm fond of having. A quality I fail to liberate myself of. It's addictive. The seduction of control. Just enough. So when I feel the soft murmur of my steering wheel, vibrating the palms of my hands, I know I'm edging towards the peak of my high. The night is still around me. The streets empty, well lit, and silent. The voice in my head dares me to keep going. So I watch the tiny red needle of my speedometer climb each tick mark. First at forty. My eyes, eager at the sight, encourage me to push forward. Slowly it climbs. 42..43..45. A bubble of life flutters in me. Hungry for more, 60...64...67. My old girl starts to whine. Shes not used to the pressure, but still I climb higher. 70...80. By now I feel the wind, gently swaying me. My foot feels like steel. Firmly planted on the petal. Gravity pulls and so I climb higher yet again. 85...87...90. The pretty street lights begin to blur. 96..97.. I can hear the pounding of my heart. My breath deepens. I gulp back fear. I need to feel something, just enough. Perhaps the rush will heal me? I have to know. One hundred now. My car, rattling, try's to warn me of my decision. 110..120. My mind has never been more clear. Maybe it's because I'm in complete control. The construct of time has vanished as seconds now feel like hours. I know what I want. I need it. I hope it'll be enough. 140..155. I'm almost there, the last goal I'll set. I'm so close to success. I look to find something sturdy. Strong enough. And there, it shimmers. That soft steel pillar. I want to feel it's coolness against my skin. 156.. I'm almost there. 159. I wonder if I'll hear the crisp crunch of plastic? Honestly I won't mind. 160.. it's finally here. The connection quick, and smooth like thawed margarine. Particles of dust fill the air. The sting of the air bag leaves a comforting feel. It pins me tightly against my seat, in the most enduring embrace. I close my eyes, enjoying the peace. I see a light. So bright. My body feels warm and my heart slows. I craved for more. Grace I received, as warm flames engulfed my girl. It was nice. Just enough. The numbness began to fade as I sat in patience. Silence. It's all around me now. I'm so happy, so free. I can't resist any longer. I let go of control. With that, I let go of everything. It's finally enough. I'm tired now, my excitement got the best of me. So for now, I think I'll close my eyes and allow myself to fantasize.
