Paranoid

Week 14 day 6

Last night I swear I had. A heart attack. I woke up with beads of sweat literally dripping from my forehead although I can't hear what they say to me, I can still feel what's happening to me. Make sense? Right well I better start describing my freakish dream which I don't even wanna mention but oh well 🙍

So last night was not normal, I had another dream. A completely different dream. Instead of waking up near the ink black water, I woke up in a field. Where? I do not know. Why? Like wtf how am I meant to know. That is the good part. The worst part was that it was late at night and God damn raining like no body's business. Freezing water hammering down on my weak frame. Like what the hell?! My first thought was screaming, kinda impossible for it to do anything in a dream but I tried. My next thought was 'crap' what do I do know, no ones telling me where to look and there certainly aren't drowning me's anywhere. This was probably was the calmest point of my dream. I decided that I wasn't just freaked out but In deep deep deep shock. Since the 'accident', where I can just live inside blackness; not going into to detail why or how, it has been the same dream haunting me day after day for 14weeks and 5days in total...SO WHY NOW? what have I done? Have they improved or changed my living condition outside back at home or the hospital? I wouldn't know because I am too scared of what it would be like. I've actually had half my memory tampered with since I wouldn't wake up. I can't smell or hear. I can just feel. Like when I felt my mothers sobering chest against mine, clinging to my lifeless form. I cried silent invisible tears and promised myself never to wake up and experience the pain of telling my mum I chose to not wake up before. Trust me it's better this way. Especially when you can actually not hurt anyone because your paralysed in enteral darkness. This was the choice I made ages ago. The choice I am sticking with.

Or so I thought...