This is my third reviews book. Inside, you'll find out 10 books reviews, all of them with my honest opinion and some advices to the books authors.
If you're reading it searching for a review then I am sorry but this book is finished. BUT I'll probab...
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Title: The Happily Never After Author: Huitaca Genre: Fantasy Read: 30 chapters
The title of your book is undoubtedly one that grabs attention because it is kinda different. Of course, as it remembers a lot the end of the most known fairytales when the reader thinks about the title the idea of something related to a fairytale is probably the first thing that comes to his/her mind. And until now I didn't see yet how the title fits the story but as you're story will continue there's still time to show us the reason of the title.
I liked your idea and even if there are already some books about voyages to other worlds (parallel universes) they've still a lot of potential especially if the world from where the main character came is something like yours.
That being said, it's a little obvious that I liked the world you created. I especially like what you did with Cinderella, how you make it different, gave us a new idea to the continuation of one of the most known fairytales.
And taking advantage of a so creative world - so different of the 'real' one - and an idea with a lot of potential, you created a very good plot. And I may add that the twist in the last chapters was fantastic and totally unexpected.
A very good plot that wins with a fantastic pace. It's incredible how you were able to write 30 chapters keeping always the same pace. While I was reading your story I never felt it was too fast or too slow. In my opinion, it keeps always the right pace.
The written is also good allowing a good understanding of Millicent's thoughts (and Caleb's ones in one of the chapters). I especially liked how you presented her confusion with all the 'futuristic' things she saw and think it was kinda of fun to read about her indignation when Josephine gave her ripped jeans for the first time.
And I can't forget to refer one thing about your story: the beginning (or, in other words, the prologue). Let's be honest, I loved it. It is so well-written and different that it's impossible to do not like it. And, undoubtedly, it's a kind of beginning that grabs attention.
Unfortunately, there are also some mistakes and things that I think that are strange in your story...
>> Grammar. It's not something that important but when you made the same mistake many times it becomes a little annoying. I am talking about the question-tags. You forget the comma between it and the rest of the sentence sometimes. An easy way to find out when that happens is read your chapter once or twice after you write it or ask someone to help you because sometimes other people find mistakes that the writer misses.
>> It's difficult to connect with the characters even Millicent. I mean we can understand her thoughts but not her emotions. Some of them as the sadness are clear but the most part is not and it makes the connection more difficult. And it's impossible to connect with the others when we don't have access to their emotions. I know there's people who have difficulty reading other people's emotions but there's always some types of emotions everyone can read and the reference of them would make the connection easier.
>> In the chapter 7, they ate the breakfast and then they got out and go to a restaurant eat pizza. I mean seeing Millicent's curiosity for seeing pizza for first time is funny but couldn't they go to any other place first? A tour around the city/town where they leave, a walk in the garden, go shopping...
>> In the beginning of the chapter 13, Millicent is asleep (if you can consider this state when you're sleeping but can hear everything around you be asleep) and she says she turned to the other side. Two sentences after that, she heard Caleb asking if she's dead. It doesn't make sense because if she turned to the other side Caleb would have seen.
>> Invade the White House is crazy but invade it carrying weapons? It's almost suicide. And still no one tells Millicent it is a bad idea. Everyone seems to think it is perfectly normal.
>> If you arrived at the hospital with a person barely alive there would be a lot of questions and eventually even the police would be called. But in your story they enter and get out with just a small reference to it.
Your story has a lot of potential and an amazing different world beside being one of the few stories I've ever read which has a perfect pace during the entire story.
But there's some things, especially the ones I referred, that you should think about because change it would help improving your story.
