Dear Bestfriend, I Love You

i n t r o

8 Months into liking my bestfriend...

He parked the car in front of our driveway and patiently waited for me to get out. I breathe in and tried to relax as I rehearsed everything in my head. I am going to confess here. To my bestfriend Dean, whom I've loved since that day.

He looked at me confused, probably wondering what I'm about to pull off. I mean, right now I should be out of the car, no?

"Hey, Dean, can I tell you something?" I asked, smiling at the end of my question, probably looking awkward. God, I hate telling people my feelings. It never works out, you know? I should probably back out. I don't see this working. But fuck, I swore to myself.

"Is it about that shithead Jay who called you a loser in the theatre earlier? Because if it is, you should back down because you clearly are a loser," he said, laughing ridiculously while looking at me with such a mocking face. A great way to set up a mood, Dean.

"No, fuck you! I'm getting out!"

As I was opening the door of his car, I felt his hand on my arm, holding onto it tight. I looked back at him, his blue eyes staring back. Shit, I am doing it, right?

"Tell me, what is it Aessia? It's not about your strict asian parents, right? I can tell it's something you want out. I am your bestfriend after all? You do that silly blinky thing with your eyes when you're nervous as fuck. What is it?"

I went to sit back down properly as he took his hand back. I fidgeted with my shirt as I prepared myself mentally. My eyes went to the side mirror by my seat. My lips opened. It's happening.

"Dean, it's going to sound funny, but I am not joking in any way right now. Don't even laugh after this or I will shoot my broom up your ass, I'm not joking. Dean, you're my bestfriend. We never sugarcoat things, we always get along. In our saddest days we go to each other. You and I are our shoulders to cry on."

I inhaled through my nose and out through my mouth. My eyes that were staring at the side mirror turned to his face. I was looking at his beautiful features.

"What I'm saying is, I love you. In a romantic way."

He smiled, looked down, and shook his head while grinning. Seeing him do that already felt like a stab in the chest. No, in the heart actually. I know what it meant. It hurt me so much.

"Listen, Aessia. Those feelings will only complicate our relationship. I know it's going to hurt you a lot, but I'm sorry. I just— I can't love you like that because you mean so much to me. I can't see you that way," he told me as he looked at the side mirror by his side. He chuckled, and opened his lips to say more. But he shut them again. He was probably having a hard time trying not to hurt me as much.

"Dean, we know each other well. We can see each other while looking like shit and not care? How can it possibly not work? Is it because of me? Am I not worthy? Or am I ugly?"

Shit, that was not planned at all.

"Aessia, it's not about you. In all honesty, you're a wonderful woman. You can do a bunch of things that I admire too. But, like I said, I don't feel that way towards you. I see you as someone who I can cry to, someone who I can tell shit about people to. I know there is someone out there who will feel the same way for you. You're my bestfriend and that's it."