Phobophile

The Nocturnal Me

There was just one night when I had been woken up by a nightmare much before my fictional death in it. Before that, telling myself 'this can't be real' hadn't felt true enough to do that. Even with the light from my phone I was afraid when I found myself in bed, because I knew the rest of the apartment was dark. But I also knew there was no one with me. During the last year I lived with my parents, I would keep the bedroom door locked at night, just for the feeling of safety, because I might as well. But in this so-called apartment, the 'door' to the bedroom was just a ladder to the bed. Nothing that could be locked.

My most common nightmare was one where I was publicly executed. In it, I'd wake up as soon as a man put a cloth bag over my head. One would usually wake up when they know for sure they will die, right before the impact. I also do in all my other nightmares, where I am shot or stabbed. But if you can't sense the moment of impact, I guess your brain might as well assume you're dead.

Instead of keeping myself awake with my thoughts, I went on the same dating app I'd been using to distract myself the last few weeks. The fact that I had so much free time only made me look for excuses to leave the apartment. One of them was buying groceries everyday, and I knew I could tell people that it was because it was easier to carry them, but nobody asked me anyway.

One of the guys who caught my eye was an Asian man who described himself as a History student, and he went to the same college I did. His name was Roger.

"Hey, what's up?" he said first, then added, "You're a latina, aren't you?"

"I'm Mexican, yes." I replied. I imagined he figured it out from my first and middle name, both on my profile.

"What are you studying?"

"Philosophy." I replied.

Before I could ask him back, he sent another message.

"Want to hang out at my place?" he asked "I have all kinds of tea if that's something you like."

I had been thinking of my response for a few seconds before he sent his location through the chat, and I decided I might as well go.

The darkness of the outdoors was never as dark, and therefore I was a bit more comfortable in it, even if I knew I was safer in my own place than on the streets at any hour. The bus had an ideal amount of people. Enough to keep each other in check for everyone's safety but not enough for me to feel watched by too many people. Because of that, I just kept my eyes on the screen to see where to get off. Once I was in his apartment complex, it didn't take much to find his door on the second floor. I didn't hesitate for a second before knocking, because I knew that thinking too much could have ended up in me going back to my place.

"Hey" I barely heard myself say when he opened the door.

"Hey" he said.

"Come in" he then said, and walked backwards, as if not wanting to turn his back to me. I just went inside and closed the door behind me.

His apartment was bigger than mine, but even just a few steps in, I could look into his bedroom because the door had been left open, and it was fully dark inside.