You are an eight year old boy walking home from school in Manchester, UK. You pass by a music venue, sound thumping from the outside. You first just keep walking, but then you become curious. You stop in your tracks, linger for a moment, and then walk to the front doors of the venue. You stand on your tip toes and try to sneak a quick peek through the window. You can barely see anything, but you can faintly see men running around and setting things up for a show. You see a man in a simple t shirt and jeans put a purple Squier guitar on a stand. Your penis gets hard. You let it do its thing for a moment as you stare the beautiful, smooth, and somewhat sparkly look of the guitar. You would do anything to get your hands on that thing. You push your pre pubescent eight year old peen down before it gets too hard and you have no choice but to force yourself to go to the bathroom. You want to get into that show so badly, but how? You're eight years old. Then you think: maybe there's a way you can sneak in.
You leave the front of the venue, sneaking one more fast peek at the guitar, fast enough so you know you won't get another boner. You hide your lunchbox and backpack behind a bush and then walk to the back of the venue, trying to find any opening that you could sneak into. You spot a open door where the stage crew is running back and forth between the venue and the white, janky van outside. You look around you for a second and make sure no one is coming and then you bolt inside.
You run as fast as you can, dodging as much equipment as you can. You feel on top of the world. But then the unspeakable happens. You run straight into the man who you saw with the mesmerizing guitar earlier.
"Hey, wut aw yuw doien?" He asks.
Jesus Christ. He can barely speak English.
You do nothing. You just stand there and stare at that guitar that's only a few feet away from you. He realizes what you were trying to do and says "cmon" and leads you outside. You start to panic but don't run away even though you know you can outrun every single one of these foreigners.
Instead of taking you outside and calling the cops, he leads you to the janky van. The doors are open and there are two other men in old clothes that are too small for them. He makes you stand in front of the van and the two other guys as he walks into the van and comes out with another guitar.
He hands it to you. "plaey et" he tells you.
You do as your told.
You put all your heart and soul into that one random stream of notes that you have never played before in your life. You stop abruptly, breathing hard after that magical, almost arousing act you had just done. You stand there and look at the three men and you desperately want a reaction, a comment, a sound, anything. After a moment it finally comes.
"I gwess you was readay to ruck." One of the men then says.
"yeh, here's our numba. call us in a few yeas. yous was amazin." The last man just sits and looks at you. You guess he's a mute. You're amazed, and on that last half of that walk home from school you make a decision that will change your life: tomorrow you will buy a guitar.
You are Johnny Marr. You were discovered by The Cribs at eight years old and your life was never the same. 💖
