What I want to be. I honestly don't know, I have no morals, no goals, no real purpose. Nothing could make me believe I wasnt an accident. I can't see true beauty, I cannot see my soul for it is too impure. It is torn, it is dark, it is horrid. But still I feel a burning light in me, a light begging to be free. It's hands wrapped around me, where do I even go? Who would take me? Would they believe me when I say I did not mean to murder myself? Would they believe me when I say I thought I did the right thing? Would they?
I did not know, so I walked In the rain. The many drops burned my skin but it felt so good, I wanted to sit in the middle of the road as the pure water hit my dirty body over and over but that I could not do because my pride is what I sold. The pain became overbearing and I was so confused. The lights were cut off, and I was walking down a path. The roads were broken and they were constant screams filled with envy and wrath. The ground was filled with holes I was bare feet, thorns and glass ripped the flesh of my feet and I cried In agony but, what could I do? I was naked, I was cold, I was impure, I dug my nails off and I was in pain, pain, pain, pain. But, yet I continued to walk and walk. I could not feel my heart, I could not hear it beat I could not talk and I could not see myself and it was what scared me.
Shortly after I came to an intersection where on the right I saw myself, with a genuine smile and a clear soul I was beautiful, and happiness had me in its hold. that part of the world was so warm but still yet my body felt so cold and my lips were frozen shut and my body filled with deep ugly cuts. on The other side of the road was an empty void, no one was there but me and my messed up pride. I was the same as right now, I was broken I was bruised and I was hurt. I had no idea what to do, the tears that fell from my eyes caused a loud shriek to leave the once innocent mouth I once had, the mouth that did not say horrid things to myself when I was nothing more than sad. The mouth that did not beg for the lustful feeling that only lasted for a few minutes. It was a second that felt like an eternity, I knew that going right was the accurate answer to this. I wanted to be happy and I wanted to be beautiful, I wanted to live a life with no worries and no burden to carry. I wanted love and not lust. I wanted arms to hug me, not dig their spear like nails into to my delicate soft skin and wrap their hands around my throat as if during those few minutes they cared when all I could hear were their loud whimpers in my ear.
And so I turned to go right, into the light but I felt a hand pull me to the left, before I could do anything and before I could pull away I saw a former image of me. WHO ARE YOU?! Is what she screamed. It hurt my ears and they began to bleed, I saw the person who was supposed to also be me. She placed her hand out and so I shook it. Her eyes were something I almost got lost in, I barely snapped out of that horrid feeling. What I saw when trapped in her black eyes, caused my flushed cheeks to be carved with all my lies. "Are you who you want to be?" Was what she asked me with blood stained cheeks. She cried tears of blood, she could not see, she had no idea what she got herself into.
There was no way to leave, there was no way for me to leave. I was trapped and I was in fear with what she began to show me. I was horrified, and i was scared because at that exact moment was when I knew, I was
n o t w h o i w a n t t o b e.
— jassy
