As I let my pen down and allowed my ink flow, I still had not mustered enough courage to let the world in on the struggles she had to go through in the hands of a man whose heart never knew the light. How could I get the right words to begin? The psychological breakdown, the emotional toll, the personality homicide and nightmares it gave me. I could still hear her,the loud screams and noiseless sobs that never ended. I could still picture the swollen lips and blood shot eyes. Perhaps those incident contributed in shaping me into the woman I now am. I had grown to hate everything that had a form of masculinity. Even male animals were a sore displeasure to my eyes. I had tried so much and I was still trying to fall in love; Brian was putting in his best in making sure our relationship worked. He loved me and I knew it,,but love was perhaps a big lie and I wasn't ever going to fall for it. The wall I built around my heart was too strong to let love in. I was never going to let myself get abused like her. What annoyed me more, was how she quickly brought herself together and acted stronger than ever. She had accepted her fate as life's way of rewarding her harshly and that ideology hurt every nerve in my feeble being. She had let love break her into submission to an abusive monster. She wallowed in her pains until it led to her quick end. She never spoke up, she never fought back, she never said a word in her defense. It seemed like she enjoyed her pains. Maybe she lost her sense of pain. She was so used to it that she smelt like pain. I never saw the beauty in pain and I was never going to see any beauty ,though it shrouds itself in love. Pain had no beautiful side, it never made me stronger, it never motivated me, and I hated it passionately.
The night I killed him, I did it in revenge. I did it for her, I did it for every woman, for every lady broken into submission. To every woman whose consciousness had been shut upon the altar of matrimonial devotion. To every woman who wanted to speak, but lacked the voice. His pains and his screams as he drowned, was our freedom, we were set free, but I was forever imprisoned in my own self.
That night,I lost a part of me that could love,the part of me that could depend on a man for joy,the part of me that had a longing for care,I lost that part of me that made me a woman .Now I wallow in this guilt,society adores my achievement but I was not one who anyone wanted to emulate morally.This loneliness was killing me,I felt the societal segregation.
I just recently clocked age twenty eight and according to the Nigerian "constitution",I was long overdue for marriage.I just could not get into such commitment,I knew love was a cage,marriage was a prison and I definitely was not ready for that.I had told Bryan time and time again that I was never going to consider marriage.If I needed a child,I could easily adopt one.How did I get so messed up?How did I end up in this prison I so delicately constructed?
Was I wrong to have been protective of my emotions?Was I wrong to have stood up for my rights?Was I wrong to have upheld the rights of the ladies?Was it actually my fault?Did I beg to be be born a woman?My consent was not sought for,no one asked if I wanted to be born to the Adeniji's home.Chance was the deciding factor.I was a victim of circumstance.
I am in need of love.I need to feel like a woman again.I need to want to be cared for and asked about.I need all this but I just could not let myself have them,I had built walls around my heart that could not allow for anything love related.I just can't stand the thought of being as abused as my mother.Her fate sealed mine.
A beautiful tear dropped on my book and stained a part.I could not believe I was crying,I had conditioned myself never to let the world see my struggles and pains.She was my mum and he,my dad,yet they sealed my fate.
(WATCH OUT FOR PART 2!!!)
