BACKSTAGE PASS

Elissa & The Pain in the Ass

For whatever reason, my moody, broody brother was more Olivia's type, and I've been watching her throw herself at him throughout rehearsals. I should have known Ethan didn't have enough self-control to keep it in his pants.

Ever since his high school sweetheart chewed up his heart and spat it out two years ago, he's used women for distraction, but that's it. He never actually dates. I think he's forgotten how. I just wish he'd listen to me when I beg him to stay away from the girls he works with. It never ends well. Ever. And not just for him. As his stage manager, I'm always the chump who has to clean up the woman-shaped wreckage he leaves behind. It totally blows.

I click the button on my headset and say, "Going off comms," before I extricate myself from my desk side stage and head off to Ethan's dressing room.

When I get there, I see someone has pinned one of my brother's headshots to the door, but not before defacing it with devil horns, blackened teeth, and a Sharpie goatee that looks vaguely like a penis. I pull the photo free as I knock on the door.

"Come in."

I swing the door open to find my brother in costume leaning back in his chair with his feet up on the bench, reading a book.

I hold out the picture. "Olivia's handiwork?"

He looks briefly at the photo before he shrugs. "Maybe. She did seem pissed when I saw her earlier."

"What did you do?"

"Nothing." I shoot him a look. He holds up his hands. "Seriously, nothing. I've barely spoken to her since last week."

I roll my eyes. I don't know whether my brother is actually this clueless about women, or whether he just acts the part to annoy me.

"You don't think ignoring her might have pissed her off? How many times did she call you over the weekend?"

He shrugs. "I don't know. Five? Ten? What's the big deal?"

I walk over and shove his feet off the counter. They hit the floor with a thud, and he glares at me.

"Ethan, you know Olivia has is bad for you and that she thinks you're dating. Why on earth would you think she'd be okay with you freezing her out?"

"I've never given her the impression we're dating."

"Apart from sleeping with her."

"That's not dating."

"For some girls it is."

He stands up and shoves a bookmark into his book. "What do you want me to do, Elissa? Get them to sign a disclaimer before we have sex? This is a relationship-free zone. Orgasm at your own risk."

"That could work." He scoffs, but I ignore him. "Fine, but what I'd really like is for you to not act surprised when, after you fuck every girl in the cast, they get pissed with you. Oh, and also? Please don't fuck every girl in the cast."

Ethan sits on the couch and runs his hands through his hair. "It was one girl, Elissa, and now it's over. So, problem solved, right?"

"No, not problem solved. You couldn't wait until the show closed before breaking up with her? It's opening night, goddammit, and she's freaking out over you instead of concentrating on her role. If you don't care about hurting her, you should at least care about the show."

He flops back against the couch and rubs his eyes. "Fine. Whatever. I'll go talk to her."

"Thank you. And be nice about it."

"When am I not nice?" I give him my bitch brow. "Okay, fine. I'll try to be nice. No promises, though."

I shake my head. "I have zero clue what these girls see in you."