The rest of the weekend, Leona mentioned the tattoos. Tia was a passive person so she said nothing. She was very polite. It really bothered her. She tried to stay calm.
After the service, t and i hung out with Leona and pastor Wilber. I could tell t was uncomfortable.
After a time, the Wilbers retreated to the apartment i had set up for visiting guest speakers and missionaries. We put the girls in A stroller And tia held our son's hand. We walked to the house.
She was really quiet. There was not like her. We usually talked about the message or danced or had a snack after the service. She liked to ask questions. She was still a younger Christian. She wanted to learn and grow. That day was different.
She fed the girls. I played with my son. Then i put the girls down for bed. We got Nate ready for bed. I read him the three little pigs which is one of his favorites.
We went downstairs. She seemed down. She seemed sad. "You ok honey? You don't seem like your yourself!" I said. "Yea i am fine," she said.
I tried to engage her in small talk..she just replied with a yea. I jokingly said that maybe John Calvin had some good points. That hardly got a shrug.
After a while, we headed to the bedroom. We got ready for bed.
"Honey, does it bother you that i have tattoos?" She asked. "No. It does not," i answered. I was stunned. This seemed to come out of nowhere.
The fact that she had tattoos had never been an issue. I had seen it the first time i met her. I forgot she had it. It was just there. I was stunned that she brought it up.
"You don't believe a Christian should get tattoos?" She asked. "No, i don't. You got it before you were saved. When i met you, i noticed it but there were more pressing issues. I moved passed it. " i said.
"When you look at me? Does it bother you?" She asked. I saw the hurt in her eyes. "No baby it does not bother me. It never has," i said. I stroked her hair. A tear came down her face.
"You promise?" She said. "Yes, hon i promise. Where is this coming from?" Did I ask? "Leona saw my tattoo. She expressed her displeasure with it," she said. "I am so sorry hon. I had no idea," i said.
"I was so excited to meet her. I read All of her books some three times. I ran out of margins to write notes. It hit me hard. " she said."i can see that. Sometimes the people we look up let us down. Some people have pet issues. The tattoos do not define you. You are so much more. You are my partner in this ministry. You minister to the ladies in this church. You are an indispensable part of this ministry. This work could not function without i. I could not function without you. I have no idea how the church got by before you. It is so much smoother now. Sense you and i married, the church has grown by leaps and bounds. " i said.
"You sure? I fear i take something away from your ministry?" She asked i huge her. "No. Not at all. You are a co-labor in this ministry. You are my helper, counselor, partner. You're a key member of the team. I know that the deacons, deacons wives and church membership as a whole feel this way. They have told me so. You have labored sacrificially for this church.everyone has noticed. I believe the Lord has noticed. Don't worry about Leona. It is the lord's judgment that matters." I told her. "Ok." She said.
I held her. "The Lord looks on the heart. I believe that the Lord has used you and will continue to. I know this was devastating. Don't let you get to you. I disagree with her on this. I disagree in the strongest terms I can use " I told her.
I held her. I hoped my words made it to her..i hoped she took it to heart. A time, she calmed down. We both fell asleep.
The next day, she was still in bed when I left for the church. This was unusual..i figured that she needed extra rest. I came in. I hugged her and kissed her goodbye. I hugged the kids.
She laid in bed for a while. She finally got up. She took a shower. She had coffee.
She did not feel right that day. She tried to read her Bible and pray. She felt disconnected. She found it hard to focus on.
She felt worthless. She felt like a phony. "You think your serving God You're a fraud. You have not changed. Your self righteous.you're no better than a pharisee. You're a hypocrite. Your no good. Your a dirty rotten sinner. You're not good enough. "
She tried to ignore the thoughts. She tried to tell herself to stop thinking that. She told herself that she should not listen to this.
She got up from the table. She walked around. She recalled what I had told her. "You think he meant to. He was just telling you what you wanted to hear. He reviles you. He knows your a sell-out. He is humoring you. He knows the truth. He knows you are a fraud. He sees through you. Eventually, even he will abandon you."
It haunted her all day. She put on music. That did not help. When I came home i noticed she was off.
"Do you believe what you told me yesterday?" She asked." of course i do hon. " i told her. "You don't secretly believe the opposite but don't dare to say anything," she told me.
"I would never tell you anything i did not believe love. If i thought you needed to be lovingly rebuked, i would tell you," i told her.
"Ok. I just wanted to make sure." She told me. "Hon. I love you. I love being your husband. My happiest days are when the Lord saved you, when you and i were married and when our children were born. I praise the Lord for you every day. " i told her.
"I just don't want you to regret marrying me," she said. I took her hand." i won't. I love you so much. " i said. She cried. I held her tightly.
She had always been content since we married. She had bad days. This seemed like a really sad time for her. I figured it would pass. I figured she would be back to herself.
That's not what happened. Things did not get better. They got a lot worse. I had no idea how to help her. I started to worry.
The next day, she had A group of young mom's over to the house. They had a Bible study and refreshments. Her best friend Cindy and her son and daughter were the first to arrive. She hugged her. " how are you tia?"Cindy asked. "I am ok," she said.
"Just ok? That does not sound like you. " Cindy said. "I am fine cind." She assured her. "Just making sure. "She answered.
Soon the other ladies arrived with there kids. They started off with snacks. Then her friend Marcy gave a message.
She spoke on Gods grace. She spoke about how it relates to young moms. The group was pretty diverse. Some were second-generation fundamentalist others we're new or newer Christians.tia took it all in.
After the ladies talked and played with the kids. The ladies noticed that tia was much more detached than usual. Usually, she was an active participant but today she was much more in the sideline. This was unlike her. She was known to giggle. Her friends Cindy and Marcy refer to her by the nickname giggles but that was not true today.
" do you believe that someone who lived for themselves and then is converted, can they really please God? How can a life of faithful service outweigh the years of sinfull living? " tia asked.
"The blood of Christ covers all of our sin big and small. The blood of Christ is sufficient. David said 'blessed is the man whose sins are covered'. Our site are not excused or overlooked. They are covered. " marcy said.
"When he forgives our sin, he does not remember them. He separates the. As far as the east is from the west. Eventually the north and south will meet but east and west never meet " Cindy said.
After a time everyone went home. Cindy helped her clean up. "You ok today?" She asked. "Yes i am ok. Sin is just getting to me. I did not realize the weight of it. It seemed to be just there. I am beginning to see how bad it is. "Tia said.
"Sin is big. We ofend the God who created us and sustaned us. So is his grace. His grace is high too. We don't sin that race may abound. God does free us form the burden of our sin. Every sin. " Cindy said.
"I know that. I know it in my head." Tia said."you can know it in your heart too. It's true. " Cindy said. "I know that. " tia said.
After a while, she left. Tia sat in silence. Tia had no idea what to t
Do. She hated feeling like this. She knew she did. She wished this feeling of ick would go away. It just did not. There was no signs that it would.
I tried to help her though it. I hoped it would pass. It did not. Quite the contrary.
Next up.
Tia depends deeper onto depression.
