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Even The Darkest Nights End

Nicole's head bobbed up and down from the top of the couch, her eyes threatening to shut down the shop for the night, her brain willingly going along. The warm tingles from the beer had gone away and the "boozy" party going on in her head was being crashed by Depression and Anxiety and Nicole was in line again, waiting for the coaster to take her to her peak and then force her down into depths she didn't know existed.

Depression hates sleep. She can't invade your every thought and she can't tell you that you're not good enough and she can't lock you into a ride that you didn't sign up for. When Nicole slept, she could run away from her life. At least she could find comfort in the fact that for just a few hours, she could be at peace. She could dream about being with Waverly, being the sheriff in a not-so-insane town, and she could be happy, for just a few hours. Was that too much to ask? Apparently so.

But sleep is for those who have the capability to keep their demons at bay for just a few moments, long enough to slip into a state of temporarily shutting down just enough to let your body rest and catch up from the stress of the day prior. Instead, Nicole was going to get on the body jerking ride that was perched in her mind. She boarded and sat in her favorite seat in the front row so she could get the perfect view of diving down into the darkness. Nicole told herself that she didn't enjoy going on this ride every night because she really didn't, she just felt like she didn't have a choice. Without Waverly, there really wasn't anything to do, Nicole felt like she had no purpose, she felt like she had no reason to wake up every day. She knew that whether she struggled against it or not, she'd be getting on that ride one way or another.

As the track gripped the bottom of the car like Nicole's fingers gripped the chilled beer bottle, she was forced to lean back. All she could see was the sky. She saw a divided sky. Half was bright and saturated with blue, Toy Story looking clouds peppered the sky, boasting about their fluffiness and their cushion. She thought to herself, "That would be nice to sleep on, eh?" But as she turned her head, she saw the chaos that was brewing. Swirling black and grey clouds seemingly straight out of a Disney villain scene where you get a glimpse their evil lair.

She thought about how this time, the ride felt more extreme. There was more at stake here. She was practically going straight up and anyone who knows coasters knows that when you go straight up, you're probably going straight down. But before she could become numb and give herself to her demons, she sat at the top. In front of Nicole, memories flashed by. She saw the way Waverly looked when she was struggling so beautifully with the bar tap, the feeling of Waverly's eyes piercing into Nicole, the way Waverly's hands felt on Nicole's arms after Shorty died. How Waverly looked as she walked in front of Nicole's cop car, asking to be alone. She saw Waverly cruise into the police station, the way Waverly looked on her tip toes trying to close the blinds before their lips crashed into each other. She saw Waverly's eyes when she said the words that sealed the deal, "It's you". Nicole saw their first time, how Waverly's warm skin felt underneath the redhead's pale body, how fast the smaller girl's heart was racing and how much she trusted Nicole with her body. She saw the ring that was slid onto her own finger on that dreadful day, when everything went to shit. Nicole saw Waverly Earp, smiling at her from her front porch. The memories moved faster and faster like someone had just hit the fast forward button and it all came to a screeching halt and paused on the day that Wynonna found Nicole in the woods and told her that Waverly was gone and nowhere to be found. And that was when Nicole felt the tracks release the car, and she went flying down, into her own toxic world.

On the outside, tears began to cascade down her face, picking up the salt that was there from the last rollercoaster ride. The world around her got darker and darker and her vision followed closely behind. She felt her pulse start to flutter and become nervous, making its way closer and closer to the top of Nicole's throat. As the tears fell and her chest began to rise and fall at a much higher pace and noticeably shallower than just five seconds ago, Nicole tried to stand up before she knew she wouldn't be able to. She made it about ten feet, before losing her footing and trying to grab onto the entry way table, pulling it down with her. The table toppled easily, sea green glass from the top shattering across the floor. Some small fragments found a new home by ripping through Nicole's sweatpants and burrowing into the cold, unshaved pale skin of her legs. She didn't recognize the pain and scooted back finding a wall and resting her back against it, trying to find some stability. She tipped her head back, the crown of her head now pointed to the ceiling, she felt the tears come faster and faster, her pulse now trying to match their pace like it was some fun competition playing with Nicole's sanity. She felt the muscles around her chest tighten with every pump of her heart and she placed her hand over it, perhaps to try and comfort it and calm it down. Maybe her heart had some say in how long she'd be on this coaster for. She could only hope.