QUINN SLASH MORMON ROB STUFF

the end is nigh

There are three things I wish I had known the night I slept with you. It could have saved us both a lot of heartache.

1) We were too loud. We were in the moment and I wasn't thinking of how truly vocal I was or was I aware of the noise of the headboard slamming against the wall. I just... I should have known better. We should have been more quite.

We should have fucked on the couch.

2) Karen, my wife, was awake at the time. She was able to hear us beyond the wall that separates your bedroom from mine. I should have remembered that. I remember when you used to annoy me with your parties and have loud sex beyond the wall.

3) Not only were we too loud, my wife could hear the whole glorious thing, and she knew exactly who you were fucking. You had asked me to tell you what I wanted, asking again and again until finally in frustration I said: "I Rob McCracken want you, Quinn Allman, to fuck me". With that, my fate was sealed.

As I returned to my house after, I went to go to bed, but the door was locked. Karen must have forgotten to unlock it changing again. I don't dare wake her, taking the spare cushions and comforters and lying down on the couch.

I could have stayed the night at yours, slept beside you, and woke up to your face, but it just wasn't safe. Not yet. I look forward to the days when I can kiss you good morning and good night. Comforted by the thought, I fall asleep.

I'm awoken suddenly by Karen. "What are you thinking, Robert!"

She's standing over me. She's clearly pissed with me. Surely she can't know.

"You have him around my kids. Have him in my house! How dare you do this to us?" She's not even tearing up. She's too angry for that. She knows. Fuck, she knows.

"I'm bringing Tabitha and Isiah over to my mom's," she says, rushing around, picking up a few of their things, shoving them in a bag. "I rang in to work. I told them you were sick." She moves to leave, but turns to say one last thing. "If you dare leave before I'm back..."

She didn't even have to say it. The kids. She'd take the kids. She wouldn't even give me the chance to say goodbye.

As she slams the door, I scramble for my phone. I check the time. I had forgotten to set my alarms so I slept it out, but no doubt the fright from Karen woke me the fuck up.

I go to the secret folder within a folder where I keep the app on which we use to text. I notice I've got a text from you.

Hey, how are you? J

I don't dare answer it. I don't dare tell you what's going on. Not yet. I'm too fucking scared to. I turn off my phone and just sit there, at a loss for how I can clean up this mess.

---

Karen comes back, slamming the door behind her. I had only stopped shaking. She drops the keys on the coffee table and then just stands and gives me this look. She's ashamed of me. I nearly am too.

She walks across the room and sits down beside me. So it's not so bad that she can't even stand to be near me. That's good. A small blessing. She doesn't look at me at first. I can feel her thinking. When she does finally speak, I feel like I've been bitten by her words.

"I know this is probably hard for you too, Rob, Mr. Allman forcing himself into your life. I thought things were... manageable. He actually seemed... nice at lunch. But they're like that. They pretend to be nice so that you trust them. They become your friend; get close to you, so they can get what they want." She's speaking too calmly.

I gulp. "Karen... I'm sorry. I didn't mean-"

"That's the first step, asking for forgiveness, Rob. There might not be hope for Mr. Allman, but there can still be hope for you."

There's a sour taste in my mouth. "What are you saying, Karen?"

"I... I stayed up last night. To find you help. They have great programs for these sorts of things. Solid success rates."

Conversion therapy. She wants me to go to conversion therapy. First the intervention, and now this. I want to run but my legs are frozen solid to the ground.

"If you were to go and be cured of your..." she trails off.

My disease? A disease. Is that what she thinks you and I have?

"We could go back to how things were. We could be a happy family."

I am happy with my family. Just not with you, Karen, I think.

"Quinn's not as bad as you think, K-", I try but she bursts at me in a rage.

"Don't you even try to make out that what he did to you is okay." Her eyes are like hard glass.

I don't know how I'm going to fix this mess. I asked you, Quinn, so many times. We never got any closer to knowing what to do. Not really. We just got closer to each other instead.

"The kids will be back tomorrow," Karen said. "So I don't want anything seeming off. They deserve that much." She scoops a lock of hair back from out of her face and puts it behind her ear.

I remember I did love you once, Karen. But... I think that was out of obligation. I think I loved you because you gave me Tabitha and Isiah. It would kill me to have you take them away. I'd never forgive you for it.

"I don't want to get the church involved again. Or the neighbours. We don't need a scandal. If you can't see reason, I will have to though. We have to convince you to do the right thing. It is only just."

Oh yes, you would surely be doing the Lord's work.

"Let me have some time with the kids," I started. I took a breath. "I've been meaning to take time off to see more of them. And if I'm to be... going away, it's only right."

"You'll take off work sick?" Karen said.

"Yeah. I wouldn't get time off otherwise." This all feels too surreal. "I'll take the rest of the week off... and then we can talk about the program."

She hugs me tight all of the sudden. "You're doing the right thing, Rob." God will surely forgive you, I expect she is thinking.

I hope Quinn will forgive me.

If I slip at all Karen will take the kids before I'm ready to say goodbye. I'll never truly be ready, but if Friday is the day, well then it must be the day. I tear up at the thought of possibly not seeing them again.

So no visits. No Nirvana night. No text messages.

I hope you fucking forgive me, Quinn.