alone

The fear of being alone always fascinated me. Intense fear from within that screams so loudly piercing through my brain. "No one wants you. You are stuck here. How much you scream, no one can hear you." It was true, even the voice in my head continually plays in my head like a broken record. I scream how much pain I go through daily but I'm silent as it's all in my head. But these thoughts drag my head down. I'm drowning. Screaming. Silent. Alone. I'm Daniel Howell and I don't want to be alone.

CHAPTER 1

It's scary. The thought of being alone. The word alone is terrifying. An adjective; having no one present. But it's confusing cause even though you are in a giant room full of people, I still feel alone. I feel lightheaded, my sight gets blurry, my hearing intensifies; it's like I can hear everything and it scares me. What is wrong with me? People around me laughing, enjoying each other's company. But myself I hate it. People talking to me but  even though I can hear everything I can't hear myself think. I'm in this room and it's dark with no one being able to reach me. I can't escape this room, no matter how hard I try. The door. Behind the door are people, but they don't want me. Why would they? I'm a no one. A loser. A freak. I don't like being around people but I don't like being alone. People are right I really am a freak. Having no friends at school and being bullied. And to come home with parents that scream how much they hate me and shouldn't have been born. It sucks. My life sucks. I want someone out there I can talk to and be myself with them accepting me instead of constantly having this guard up. One person is all I want.

Tomorrow is a big day. A day a lot of people hate. For me a day that I hate more than anyone else. First day of school. High school, A level years how fun! It's my last year before university and hopefully this year can help me be  "normal". When I go to university  I want to start fresh. Away from the bullies, home and this fear of humans and fear of being alone. I need to act normal for once in my life. If my parents don't want this, then I'll do it for myself. But my parents never really gave a shit about me. I was just there, I was created by accident and now I'm the son that no one wants. First days are never fun. Walking in and seeing everyone hug each other and gossiping who done this to who and crimes people have done. Fake people hugging their "friends". Friends. Didn't have many or any for reasons.  Didn't have anyone there to protect me when at lunch I would be kicked to the ground and bullies calling me names till I was in so much pain I had to be sent into hospital, the school calling my parents to pick me up in hospital but no one came. Schoolwork itself isn't too bad, I picked the subjects I enjoyed and good at. Got an A in geography and A and A+ in other subjects. I'm the nerd, also gets bullied for that. I'm just a target. I'm not weak, I could fight but I choose not to as that is what the bullies want and I'm not giving them the satisfactory they need. I thought A level teens would know better. I'm 17 and knows what I want to do with my life, once school is done, I'll be heading to university and study law and get those bullies back. But for now I'll keep quiet. Uniforms are awful as well, any student out there in the world who doesn't need uniforms are lucky. I have the same shirt from when I was 12 and all the buttons hanging off, my trousers that have rips in spots that should be covered, my blazer that has stains of dirt and blood from the bullies and my shoes that are so weak to hold together like my life. Walking to school and back home is bad. Other than being lazy, smash glass and water enter the shoe holes is uncomfortable. Tomorrow will be great! Start the day off with walking in the rain to get to school to be in pain!