firsts

first

— if kissing is a sin, I'd be happy to go to hell with u.

"Don't forget to pray, okay?" That's what my mother said before she turned off the lights and finally left my room.

"Fuck praying." Kiel said with a soft chuckle as he went out of where he was hiding, "Does your mom always do that?"

I shrugged my shoulders and look directly into his eyes—which I regret instantly because I felt like his eyes are slowly swallowing my whole being. My gaze went from his thick eyebrows to his well-defined jaw, I've never realized how good looking he really is. He slowly went up to me, he stroked my hair and whispered "Stop staring at me like that."

I closed my eyes as felt the warmth of his hand on my left cheek, with his warm breath tickling my ear. I can't help but to gasp. I really hope you can hear every beat of my heart, I can't think of anyway to say what I feel. I'm running out of breath. He put his hand on my back as his other hand travelled from my cheek to the back of my head. I felt his breath in front of my face, I opened my eyes and I met his. He's looking at me like he knows all my fears, all my secrets and everything I feel.

As he leans forward, I felt my soul leave my body. I feel paralyzed and cold, all I can feel is his soft lips on mine. "That's what your eyes tell me to do whenever you look at me like that."

That was my first.

You are my first.

"Get your keys. Come with me." He stood up and he opened the window, I couldn't move. I'm still stupefied by that kiss. "Come on. Don't worry I'll bring you back before they wake up."

It was 12:45 am when we left. I don't know where exactly he's taking me, I don't care. I've never felt so happy. I mean, how can you not be happy when you feel free for the first time in your life?

"I got something for you." He opened the compartment but his eyes stayed on the road. There's a book inside and it's titled 'For Zari'. "I'm bad at poetry, you can read those when you get home. Check out the back of the book."

There's a dvd and the songs that are in it are written in front of it, it is my favourite songs. He told me to put it in, when the songs started playing I heard his voice. I couldn't say anything, I just looked at him and at that moment I knew he's my last. He opened the window and when the air started hugging my skin, all I can feel is my heart sending waves of emotions through my veins.

We sang along with the songs, forgetting all my worries.

Every moment I spent with him felt like everything is raw, everything is first time.

2:10 am, the car stopped. He held my hands, For the first time in a while. I can feel again. We're both quiet, the last song in the playlist is playing. His enticing voice brings forth a lot of memories.

I'll never forget how pretty the night sky was during our first dance. How you guided me to flow with the air, how your eyes slowed my world down and how you made me feel like I'm the prettiest girl you've ever seen.

I will never forget how you asked me for our first date, the first time I tasted our favourite food and how you kissed my forehead in front of our house.

In my firsts, you were there.

"I'll always be here." He whispered. Tears slowly traveled my cheeks down to my chin. He made the memories that sheltered my heart for so long but those memories also made me feel empty.

3:04 am, no the car didn't stop. It's uncontrollable as my feelings that night. Our last song ended and I just found myself outside the car. Sitting alone while looking at the sunset with tears flowing down my eyes, I felt empty yet my tears won't stop. The moon witnessed our ill-fated love.

The night I lost you.

The night you kissed my frail soul and took it with you. That kiss lasted longer in my lips longer than it should have, it took me years and years to forget yet this emptiness seems unending. I don't know if this emptiness will ever stop knowing that you're the only one who can fill it. I went back to the bridge where everything ended. Everything looks the same, you still look the same.

"You broke your promises." I whimpered, I couldn't look into your eyes. They're the reason why I'm still imprisoned between the pages of your book.

Memories keep flashing in my head. Memories that kept me alive for years but now I want to forget but you still have that smile in your face. The smile that lights up my melancholic nights, the smile that you gave before you said goodbye. The same smile that made me realize that I could never escape from your love, the love that made me feel emotions that disappeared that night. "I want to feel your love again."

I looked down and I felt pain. The emptiness is no longer here. I can feel again. I closed my eyes. Our last song ended.

"I love you, Zari."

Those are the last words that I heard and I felt my self floating.

And the cold water of Suncity Lake owned my body just like how it owned our souls.

I'll be with you again.