Secrets

The fight

Eddie's POV

I don't even remember who suggested the sleepover, but I find myself planning to go go Richie's house after school one Friday afternoon. This made me both excited and nervous at the same time. It's about Richie.
Even before the summer we defeated Pennywise, I knew I was different. To this day I've been a pretty open person to my friends, however there's one thing about me that I've never shared with anyone. The time has come where my friends are taking interest to something new. Girls. Most of the Losers are in a relationship of some sort, wether it's dating or "talking" to someone. What will happen when all the Losers have somebody and I'm the only one that doesn't?
Will anyone even notice?
What if they figure out that I'm gay?
What would Richie say?
While everyone around me is noticing girls, my mind stays glued to Richie Tozier.
Thinking of which, a door slamming into the wall of the classroom drags me out of my thoughts. As if I had summoned him with my mind, Richie stalks into the room.
"Tozier," Mr. Long raises an eyebrow. "Pass?"
"Don't have one, just lost track of time," Richie falls into the seat next to me, throwing his bag carelessly onto the ground. The scent of cigarettes lingers around him. He pushes his coke-bottle glasses farther up the ridge of his nose.
"Lost track of time while making out with Tessa," I mutter, but in Richie's earshot.
"Oh, so I can't kiss my girlfriend without you getting upset?" Richie rolls his eyes. "That doesn't make any sense. When you get a girlfriend you'll understand. Stop being so jealous. Also, where were you last passing period? You stopped by only to hear about the plans for tonight this morning and then you dipped. I haven't seen you since until now."
"I didn't want to see you shoved against a locker sucking faces with Tessa again. I already saw that show yesterday," I snap, fidgeting with my pencil. The fact that Richie has gotten a new girlfriend hurts like hell, but actually seeing them kiss in front of me is worse. All I can think about is how that could be me but it's not.
Richie's laid back expression turns dark. "It's all about jealousy, isn't it. Someday you'll learn, but until then, quit being sour around me."
"It's not that," I fight tears. I bite my tongue.
"You act like she's an awful person, you've been out of sorts ever since we started dating. You haven't given her a chance like the rest of the group. No wonder you haven't gotten a date. Maybe you would if you stopped being an ass, Eddie," Richie turns to his notebook and goes quiet.
Hurt floods me like a wave when I realize he didn't use one of my stupid nicknames. He's legitimately mad. It's not worth arguing with him, if I were to argue more I might've broken down. That's something I can't let him see. I put my head down, facing the brick wall next to me, blocking out the noise of the classroom around me. A couple of tears escape my eyes, I quickly wipe them away. The fear of losing Richie as a friend over Tessa has sunk into my veins.
I don't speak to Richie for the rest of the class but when the bell rings for lunch, I feel his eyes follow me out of the room.

When I get to my table in the cafeteria my friends immediately eye me with suspicion. They already know something is wrong.
"Uhhh, Eddie?" Beverly is the first to speak. "Have you been crying?"
"Y-yes you look r-really b-b-bad," Bill adds, concern rimming his eyes.
"No, why you ask?" I throw in a smile in hopes to end the conversation.
"Your eyes are bloodshot. Where's Richie? You always walk with him to lunch," Beverly glances around. I look too, spotting him enter the cafeteria with a blank face.
When he starts to walk to our table, I get up. "Sorry, I'm going to the vending machine," I almost break into a run as I pass Richie, avoiding his eyes.
"But you just sat down!" Beverly protests as I leave. "And you don't have any money!"
"Shit," I curse as I realize that my second lie wasn't believable enough. I go out to the empty hallways and turn around to see Stan following me close behind.
"Eddie please wait," Stan calls. "I'm getting worried about you, what can I do to help?"
"Nothing," I answer, leaning into a locker behind me. "It's really difficult to explain."
"You can tell me anything, I care about you. I know somethings the matter," Stan leans back next to me.
I look at the ground. "We just had an argument about his girlfriend. It's nothing to worry about."
"Oh?" Stan gives a disapproving stare. "I don't think that's all. If it were a normal argument, you wouldn't be reacting like this."
"Like what?" I stammer defensively. Stan knows me too well.
"You were crying, isn't that enough to tell me so?" Stans voice softens. "What's so wrong about his girlfriend?"
The tears come again, this time I can't stop them. Just thinking about Richie and Tessa together and the things I have seen them do makes my emotions break like a plate crashing onto the floor. Tears are streaming down my face as I try to catch my breath. Stan brings me into a hug without another word. For the next minute or so I cry into his shirt, helplessly excepting his comfort. I don't know what I would do without a friend like Stan.
When I become more stable, I manage to say, "I'm so sorry Stan.."
"No, Eddie, don't be sorry," Stan pleads. " you don't have to tell me what's wrong, I know it isn't my business. I just want to help you in any way possible."
"Okay," I sniff, finally being able to look at Stan. I feel like he deserves to know. I need someone that I can go to about this, someone I can talk to about Richie and my complications.
"Eddie? Do you want to be left alone?"
"No," I answer clearly. "I'll tell you."
"You don't have to," Stan argues. "I don't want you to feel pressured to tell me if you want to keep it a secret."
"I need you to know, it might make things easier," I say. I pause for a moment.
"I'm in love with Richie."
"Oh, Eddie. You didn't have to keep that a secret from me," Stan murmurs. He puts an arm around me for comfort. "Now I understand why Tessa makes you so upset."
"I'm so sorry Stan."
"Sorry? Why are you sorry?" Stan faces and places his hands on my shoulders, looking deep into my damp eyes. "You just have different feelings and that's okay. Being gay isn't something to be sorry about."
"That's not necessarily the problem. The problem is being in love with my best friend," I reply. I know that Stan is probably right. However...Richie is not the type of person to be okay with their best friend being in love with them. I imagine that he wouldn't want to be my friend anymore if I ever told him."
"It might make you feel better if you talk to Richie about it," Stan tells me.
"No!" I immediately answer. "He might not ever talk to me again if I tell him. It's not the club I'm worried about, Stan. I know they won't care. But Richie is a part of us and I don't know how to come out without him putting the pieces together."
"You don't have to come out if you aren't ready," Stan explains. "Just go to Richie and apologize. Richie can't stay mad forever at his best friend."
"Okay," I reluctantly reply.
"Hey, today is going to get better," Stan wipes the leftover tears off my cheeks. "We're going to have a blast at Richie's house tonight. And by then the fight will be forgotten."
Stan leads the way back to the cafeteria. I sit down next to Beverly and Stan slides in beside me. Richie is across from me. He's looking down, picking at his food. I know he's unable to meet my eyes. I'm alright with that because I honestly cannot meet his either.
"Eddie," Beverly whispers. "You look like you just cried a river."
"That's because I did," I answer calmly as I take a bite of bread.
"What happened?" Beverly continues.
"Don't worry about it," I silence her with a stare. I see Richie snatch a look at me out of the corner of my eye. I wish I knew how to apologize.
As if Stan read my mind, he leans over to my ear. "Just go sit by him and say that you're sorry. You don't have to say much else. Hell appreciate it."
He pats me on the back as I force myself to get up. I walk around the table, my stomach dropping when I realize what I'm doing. I motion for Bill to slide over and I sit down, looking at Richie. He doesn't raise his eyes.
"Richie...I'm sorry," my mind blanks in the moment. I wing it, praying my made up story is believable enough for him and the rest of the group.
"I was being selfish, I was really upset. I am so sorry that I flipped out on you, I just miss you Richie. I am not used to having a girl take up most of your time. I will make it up to you, I promise. You're my best friend and I don't ever want to lose you. I am okay with Tessa, I would love to meet her sometime. Please forgive me for what I said."
I had to force the words about his girlfriend out of my mouth, at that point I didn't care how much pain I felt. Stan and I exchange knowing glances and he nods to me approvingly. I'm aware of the whole table becoming confused. Richie finally lifts his head to acknowledge me.
" I don't want to lose you as a friend, Eds," Richie says. " I'm sorry that I was spending so much time with Tessa, I didn't even realize I was doing it."
I feel my jaw dropping slightly. "But she's your girlfriend."
"Your my best friend," Richie grins his cute, lopsided smile. "You mean so much more to me than a stupid girl."
"Really?" Is all I can think to say.
"Of course. We've been friends for ages. I never want to lose you, Eddie Spaghetti," Richie reaches up and brushes his hand through my hair a couple times, messing it up.
My heart warms at the use of the nicknames, however I retort them. "You know how I feel about you calling me that, trashmouth."
Richie takes me into a hug. "There's nothing you can do about it."
I lean my head on his shoulder, breathing and his scent. It was a mixture of smoke, cologne, and lint. A perfect combination. We stay in the hug for a couple moments, but I wanted to last forever. The bell rings, ending lunch.