Need

I need pain... I crave the bite of leather on my heated skin, I crave the taste of blood in my mouth from biting my lip too hard... I crave lust and sensations and pure, unaltered joy at touching another person... Feeling their skin on mine, almost hearing the blood rush through their veins...

Boiling with desire, alive, strong, pulsing... Every breath feeling like a surge of live, every heartbeat like a drum keeping the rhythm of the mating...

A need of the most sacred kind.. A desire for another soul... A desire for myself found through the pain and suffering inflected upon me... Burning hot in my whole body, tears of sorrow wanting to get out, needing to scream my demons away, all the insecurities, all the times I once loved and now I am crying for, all the beauty that is found in despair, all the anxiety, all of myself...

Just to see the light. To become a light again, to be hope and solace, to be the angel I am in my heart.

I have a constant need for myself... Craving pain because it brings me back to focus, it shuts down my mind and lets me breathe... But what can happen when the pain you so desire brings back memories... A person you loved and deep down wish he could see the light, a person who saw the parts no one else did and used them almost against you... A person who gave you what you wanted... A person you became addicted to...

I need the pain to be mine, just mine. I want to scream for the world to give me back my nights, my dreams, everything...

I need to become a blank canvas for myself... So I can let everyone I choose to paint on me with leather and rope, with words and silence... So I can see the person in front of me, not the face and words of the one who first touched my skin with fire. I need myself back.

Please.... I beg you... Give me myself!