The Move

~ONE~

Time does not matter when it comes to a relationship. I guess by now, I should've understood that better than most people. We all always talk about how with time, things always get better and you learn that your relationship only grows stronger the more you and your significant other go through and over come things. But really, that was not it. So you are telling me that I have to ignore all that he has done and forgive him so we can get better? So that we can become stronger? Here I am believing that things would change but they never do. After the cheating, he hasn't learned. Instead he learned how to do it smarter so that he wouldn't get caught. Instead of him not doing drugs, he makes sure I'm asleep or makes excuses to go out with friends and do it then? Why does he need to lie? Why does he need to say that he is sorry and that he won't do it again but then I find drugs in his stuff and our sex videos in his messages?

When does the fixing come? When will he stop and understand that he is hurting me with all this lying and when will I understand that no matter how many chances I give him, at the end, he will never change. Because if he loved me, he would make the effort to change.

I finally understand that I am fighting a war that I can not win. By trying to fight, I am losing so much of myself. My own self-worth, my respect and most importantly, I'm losing so much of my love. I guess I just don't want what we created in the last two years to go to waste. That all the time and effort that we put into each other to just end. But now, after so long. Instead of it being a battle between the world and us, it has now become a battle between him and I.

But now, now after so long, I am done. I don't deserve this. I don't want this. I rather have the pain of being without him, then having the pain of being with him.

You said you wouldn't hurt me anymore. But now, you're having me hurt myself; emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually.

"I can't do this anymore." I could feel the tears in my eyes but I couldn't let them fall. I needed him to at least understand these words. I needed him to see that I was finally over it all and that I couldn't take any more of it.

"What do you mean 'I can't do this anymore'?"

He was crying. I could hear it in his voice. But I couldn't look at him in the eyes because I knew that if I did, I would end up biting my own words and say that I wasn't being serious. But I couldn't do that. I needed to do this.

"I can no longer live like this! I'm so tired of waiting for you to change! Can't you see that I am so tired of finding out that you are sleeping with another guy? Can't you tell that I'm going insane because you are constantly lying and lying and making me feel like shit? I am over here telling myself that you love me just as much as I love you and that you will stop treating me and my heart like we are nothing eventually? But when is that? When will you stop? After you sleep with four more guys? After you send our videos to more of your friends? When? When will you change?! I just can't..." There goes my tears. "I just can't take anymore of this." I grabbed my bags and pushed my way past him to the front door only to have him block me.

"Where will you go? You can't leave me? I promise I will change!" He stepped forward and grabbed me by my shoulders.

I wanted to punch him. I wanted him to feel the pain that has been building up inside of me but at the same time, I didn't want him to feel what I felt because I still loved him. I pushed his hands off of me and opened the door. "I don't know but I will find somewhere to go."

Instead of letting him get another chance to say something, I closed the door and ran to my car. Throwing my things onto the passenger seat, I put the car in reverse and drove away.