Dilemma

Single Chapter

Looking back on the days they spent together, Sungjae sometimes wonders if he ever really did love her.

His memory seems to fail him, and when it comes to the life they lead, the line between what is real and what isn't can get pretty blurry.

He remembers liking her, when they first met. They were both nervous to the bone; she had a bright smile and sweet eyes, a bubbly voice that filled his ears; she was tall and cute and younger than him, but she had an attitude that made him feel like he was the younger one.

He liked it. She was someone he could enjoy working with on that odd fake-being-married job.

...

He isn't sure if he really did love her, but he wishes he'd been better to her.

It's been a few years, and he has learned a few things he wished he'd known back then. It's not like he's constantly worrying about it, not at all, but there are these rare, quiet moments when he catches himself thinking about it. He wishes he'd taken better care of her from the start. He wishes he'd held her hand sooner, and been more attentive to her needs.

He wishes he had been just a bit more serious, so she could feel a lot safer.

He wishes he could have just realized all the effort she was putting into being a girl he'd like, he wishes he had been able to tell her she had nothing to worry about.

But still, there's a lot in life to wish for, and he doesn't think about it too much.

...

He isn't sure if he really did love her, but when things ended, it sure hurt like he did.

He held her that day, as she cried in his arms. He laughed at her puffy face, wiped her teary eyes. She wished him happy birthday with a sad smile and they sang together about their young love in front of the cameras.

He held back his own tears that day, but she sang that she "saw sadness in his eyes".

His heart might have broken right then.

...

He isn't sure if he really did love her, but he feels like he also can't love anyone else.

Love seems like a strong word, because in reality it just means that he doesn't get any chance to meet new people. There is no time for it, and he doesn't mind it.

He's the leader of BTOB now, a responsibility he wants to fulfill, and there are concerts, variety shows, comebacks, acting roles, all around too much to do.

She pops up from time to time. She's on TV a lot, laughing and playing on variety shows, and posing prettily on magazine covers. Her voice is on the radio and her pictures are on the internet. He is proud to see how confident she's grown.

She is so beautiful too. She always has been, but she's more mature now, it's different, and it astonishes him to no end. He can't avoid but steal a few glances at her at music shows, on the rare occasions in which he can be at least remotely close to her. It's quick – he has to be cautious, after all – but her brightness seems to lighten up the entire space. It is a light he can't ever touch, as he's fated to just watch it from far away.

He isn't really interested in anyone else.

...

But most days, it doesn't even bother him. Most days, it doesn't even come to mind, and it's almost like him and her never happened.

Most days, there isn't a question to be made.

But sometimes, looking back on the days they spent together, Sungjae wonders if he ever really did love her.

He's not quite sure.

He just wishes he'd had more time to figure out. 

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Author's notes: I don't know if this is any good, but I guess it made enough sense for me to post it. If you liked reading this  and you think it is worth reading, please vote so more people will get to see it! Also, if there's anything you'd like to point out, feel free to comment :)

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