No bargain with death (MCU x reader)

3. Don't try to heal what you broke

Yes, solitude kept you safer than any human being ever could.

"No, there isn't but that doesn't matter. Alone is what I have. Alone protects me. But I've already answered two of your questions, now it's my turn to ask mine" , you told the man. Strange took a step forward, towards you. There was an expression on his face you couldn't quite place. And there was a spark of caution. That probably made him stop.

"Why do you care?"

Your question hit him like a meteor. His eyes became wide, his mouth popped open, he stared at you. Apparently at a loss for words.

Wow. That was impressive. It wasn't what you had aimed for. You hadn't actually aimed for anything but the answer this time. You really were curious what made this man so determined to make sure that you were physically alright.

"Don't you have a mother?" , Strange's voice was raw and rough. He chose to ignore your question and ask another one for himself. That wasn't fairplay and you wouldn't accept it. You didn't want to talk about your mother.

"You answer my question now" , you told him coldly. Everything about you felt cold now. Your body, your posture. The just recently relived memories that threatened to surface again. Your legs already felt numb. You didn't want to be 'dead' when the paramedics showed up. It would be hard to convince them that you didn't need help if they found you without a heartbeat.

Strange hesitated. He still wasn't in control of his emotions. And there seemed to be a lot of them. He seemed to be bursting with a whole emotion cocktail. You wanted him to speak. Now. He had to keep you from diving into this deep, dark lake of memories.

"Strange?" , your voice was still cold. It sounded kind of detached and it didn't sound like your voice at all. It made Strange move though. It made him speak. That was what you wanted him to do.

"Well, I worry about you. Really. I couldn't take it if you died because of us. Tony is just... very damaged. But there is no need for him to damage anyone else" , stated Strange. The words seemed to come straight from his heart. And they hit yours like burning spears. They burned the icy away that was your memories and brought you fully back to the now and here.

"He couldn't damage me, Strange" , you stated. Your voice was oh so bitter, "Not after all the things I have been through, after all the pain. It's all stored up somewhere inside of me and others can only make it rise to the surface. That's why I prefer solitude. It keeps the risk low.

"And no, I don't have a mother. She died years ago."

For the first time since you had awoken, Stark talked. His voice was cracked. He did no longer sit on his chair though, he must have gotten up at some point. And he had detected something. Something wrong. Something that made him curious.

"Your mother disappeared. You told me that your mother disappeared" , he clarified. You looked at him. His brown eyes. There was still pain burning in the background but this man was on the edge of realising something and he wouldn't budge until he'd learned the truth. Not because he was curious but because it would explain things, clarify things for him.

It was painful. Everything was painful. You couldn't keep the pain at bay. It was running wild inside of you and it wasn't planning on stopping. You wanted to sit down, curl up and cry. Cry until the end of days to soothe the pain into extinction.

"Sometimes the truth is so painful that we don't want to face it. And as to keep the pain at bay one may come up with something that may still be painful but less so" , you croaked.

The men better stayed quiet now. You didn't want to talk to them anymore. You didn't want to see their shocked faces and the realization in their features. Why did they have to stirr things up so thoroughly.

They didn't get up and leave. They didn't even stay quiet.

"You couldn't safe your mother" , whispered Strange. The way he put it it sounded like he'd just made the greatest of discoveries but was disappointed at the shocking truth at the same time.

"That's why you don't want to bring Peter back. Because you couldn't safe your mother. Maybe even made the concious decision NOT to safe her and now you can't just bring someone else back because it would feel like betrayal. That's why it hurts you so mu..."

You interrupted Stark. Your voice was shaky and you imagined that you could hear the broken parts of your heart rub against each other as you spoke. These men knew nothing.

"I didn't decide not to safe her! I killed her! I took her life for a fucking sparrow!" , you yelled and then your legs gave in and you collapsed. There was not enough strength left in your body to keep you upright. There was not enough strength left for anything.

The truth was out. It had been a well kept secret, probably the best kept secret out there. Now they knew. Now they could leave you in peace. They had to understand now. But peace didn't come, on the contrary.

All of a sudden there were two more people in the room. Everything was noisy, your head was ringing. You were in pain, in agony. Memories were coming at you from all sides. They weren't nice ones. But as there were so many you couldn't dive into them the way you had with the memory of your mother's death. You stayed concious.

The two more people seemed to consider it appropriate to rush to your side and kneel down next to you. The much promised paramedics, entering at the wrongest of moments they possibly could. You weren't surprised. Why should anything happen in your favour on a day like this?

They spoke but you didn't hear them. The memories drowned them out. The pain drowned them out. The buzzing in your head drowned them out. And you didn't want to hear them.

It seemed that they were speaking to someone though. Maybe Stark or Strange. Probably Strange. Maybe he would send them away.

He didn't. Of course not. You caught words like "severe emtional damage", "cardiac arrest", "broken heart syndrom" and "lethal". You didn't care. This meant nothing. There was nothing of meaning but this horrible, horrible pain. You wanted it to go away. You wanted the memories to stop.

You yelled. Very loudly. To drown everything out. It helped a little. The memories stopped penetrating you. The noises around you got clearer. The pain stayed, greedily eating you up.

Now you could hear the words of the people around you. Clearly.

"Mrs. (l/n)? Are you okay?" , asked a voice. Not Strange. Not Stark. One of the paramedics. And he sounded worried. That made two. Two people worrying about you in one day. That was two more than on an average day. It didn't make your day any better.

"I'm okay. I don't need help" , you heard yourself mumble. That wasn't completely true. You somehow needed help but help they could not provide. Help only solitude could bring.

"I disagree, you desperately need help!"

Strange. Wow. Yes, of course. He never took other opinions into account. His opinion was the one, true opinion out there. All the other ones were wrong. Because, of course you were the one knowing the least about what you needed or not.

"I agree. We'll take you with us, Mrs. (l/n)"

And that was that.