An Ode to None Pizza With Left Beef: a Bryllon Crack Fic

Here We Go Gang

"Let's get none pizza with left beef!" Brendon shouted eagerly before bursting into a fit of giggles, and managed to laugh even harder at Dallon's concerned expression.

"It's this *wheeze* Tumblr post where this girl accidentally orders a fucking pizza with NO TOPPINGS EXCEPT BEEF. Like, there isn't cheese or sauce or shit. Just dough and beef," the boy explained, which only made Ryan and Dallon more confused and worried for their boyfriend's sanity.

The three were curled up on a cushy leather couch in their apartment, covered in blankets and staring at a computer screen with the Domino's website pulled up on it. Dallon slowly scrolled through the seemingly endless options, as Brendon chanted for the God forsaken none pizza with left beef. Annoyance began to boil in Dallon's belly, and he almost snapped at the other boy, but the anger melted away when they made eye contact. How could he feel anything but adoration for such a lovable person?

Everyone was reminded of their hunger when Ryan's stomach let out a growl. He sheepishly looked down at his feet and chuckled. Someone had to make a decision, and fast.

"Okay, everyone vote on two pizzas they'd be interested in, and we'll proceed from there."

"None pizza. With left. BEEF."

"Absolutely not, darling."

"NONE PIZZA WITH LEFT BEEF! NONE PIZZA WITH LEFT BEEF!" The chanting grew in volume, especially when Ryan joined in.

Dallon scrubbed a hand down his face and repressed a groan of amusement. "You want that nasty pizza so much you're gonna have to fight me for it," he said, half joking.

Brendon grabbed a throw pillow from the side of the couch and yeeted it in the direction of Dallon's head, shouting, "viva la pizza!" The latter simply ducked.

"If we're to do this, there needs to be some rules. For example, what does the winner get?" Ryan questioned.

"The winner gets to choose the pizza and bask in the glory. The losers have to answer the door and... shower the winner in kisses," Brendon decided with a smirk.

"Noooo, God damn it!" Ryan muttered. He hated answering the door because it gave him big anxiety. "Can't we just keep it at kisses?"

"Brendon will be giving us that anyways."

"Bold of you to assume I'll lose."

"Bold of you to assume I'm wrong."

With that, Brendon launched himself at the tall man with a pillow in his grasp. The weapon of choice collided with the top of his head, causing Dallon to scrunch his eyes shut. He responded by slamming two pillows into Brendon's torso. Dallon then pushed his hickory brown hair out of his face and stood up on the couch, announcing, "I've got the high ground." Brendon squealed with laughter as the attacks rained down.

"Okay, okay, I admit defeat."

"Ha! I told you I'd win."

"What a champ," Ryan commented at Dallon's victory.

"You're up next, don't think I've forgotten about you," Dallon said as he looked down at his boyfriend. He hopped off of the couch and motioned for Ryan to stand across from him on the floor. Miraculously, Ryan caught the pillow that Dallon tossed to him.

"IN THE RED CORNER...Dallon. IN THE BLUE CORNER, STANDING SEVEN INCHES SHORTER THAN Dallon, is the one, the only, GEORGE RYAN ROSS THE THIRD!" Brendon said, imitating a sports announcer. The other two wheezed at this.

"Fight!"

Dallon quickly flung his pillow out toward Ryan, pegging him in the stomach. The other frantically waved his cushion in the air, barely grazing Dallon. A well aimed series of blows to the knees brought Ryan to the carpeted ground, his shaggy hair bouncing around his face. Dallon sank to the floor and crawled on top of the boy. He pressed his hands gently to each side of Ryan's face and leaned in for a quick kiss.

"There was certainly an attempt, love."

He stood up and went back to the lap top, giving a sly look at Brendon as he did so. The loser playfully stuck out his tongue at him.

"Let's get two pizzas. One will be all meat, one will be..." Dallon trailed off. He looked over at Ryan and Brendon, who had joined him on the couch, and softly smiled at their eager nodding. He knew what they wanted.

"None pizza with left beef, but I'm telling you right now it's gonna suck."

"Yes! Holy hell, oh God yes!" Brendon cheered.

Dallon typed in the order and submitted it to Domino's. The three resumed their positions on the couch with Brendon on Dallon's lap and Ryan tucked into their sides, a cocoon of blankets wrapped around them. Ryan stretched towards the TV remote, practically folding in half, and clicked on the TV. He started going through the channels, hoping to select a good movie for the boyfriends' traditional pizza movie night. One film caught his eye.

"Oh my God, you're kidding. I watched this ONCE while high off my ass and assumed it was a fever dream," Ryan exclaimed as he gaped at the screen. The movie he'd found was Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo. Neither of the other two had even heard of the movie except for in Ryan's tale of woah.

They started the flick, and Brendon immediately cackled at it. "What the fuck did you get us into, Ryan?" He said with amusement. The entire time that Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo played, the three made comments about how wacky and shitty quality it was. But hey, shouldn't that be expected from an 80's film about break dancing? Finally, a commercial break began.

"This is so much worse than I remember it. That bit when what's-his-face literally boogies across the ceiling? Yeah, I didn't think that actually happened," Ryan said, staring into the corner like he was having a crisis.

"That guy straight up does a jig up the wall and I still can't figure out why. Maybe it was for the aesthetic, I dunno," Dallon adds.

A commercial for mesothelioma came on, and Ryan quoted it perfectly. Brendon sighs at this and buried his face in Dallon's neck. He giggled and pulled the smaller boy close, patting his quiffed hair in mock comfort.

Brendon glanced up at Dallon and met his blue eyes. He reached a hand up to press a finger tip to the other's lips before trailing it down to his jaw. Dallon leaned down and softly kissed Brendon. After a few seconds he pulled back and smirked.

"I believe you're forgetting one of my prizes for being a champion pillow fighter," he reminded, causing Brendon to giggle.

"Good things come to those who wait," Brendon answered before showering his boyfriend's face in kisses. His forehead, nose, chin, nowhere was safe. Ryan noticed this and joined in along Dallon's arm and the side of his neck. Dallon's breath hitched when Ryan started sucking a hickey onto where neck and collarbone met, right where he knew the other liked it.

Suddenly, the doorbell rang, and Brendon sprang from the couch like a rocket. The other two watched him open the door to collect the meal and pay the delivery guy. He turned around with a victorious glint in his dark brown eyes and closed the God damn door behind him. Brendon placed the boxes on the coffee table and flipped the tops up. "It's pizza time mother fuckers!" He shouted before racing into the kitchen to grab plates.

Brendon returned with a stack of matte black circular plates, napkins, and the teetering cans of two beers and a Dr. Pepper. He could barely contain his glee while dishing up a plate of none pizza with left beef, practically squealing the entire time. Just like expected, it looked incredibly dumb. Who ever made the pizza must have been incredibly disappointed that this was what they created for a living. Brendon sank his teeth into the first slice, and blinked a couple times. It was overpoweringly doughy, and a little hard to swallow.

"It's honestly tastes like exactly what you'd think it tastes like. Not necessarily good, but not bad either," he evaluated. Dallon and Ryan both grabbed a piece and took a bite.

"This pizza sucks. Why did I agree to this?" Dallon asked.

"Because you loooove us!" Brendon responded, grinning. Ryan rolled his eyes at him.

"Unfortunately so," Dallon said as he ruffled Brendon's hair.

Thank you for reading this dumpster fire of a fic! I'd like to thank my friend Alex for the idea, and my friend Alina for the cover (graphic design is her passion). It's my first time writing on Wattpad so sorry if it sucks.