Howlers

Harry AU

So, in this one, Harry's parents are still alive, Pettigrew is in Azkaban, so Sirius is free, and Harry and Ron just drove a flying car to school. Enjoy!
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Ron looked down at the ashes of Molly's letter, scarlet-faced, almost matching his tie. People chuckled, and started to go back to eating, but the entertainment wasn't finished as another owl with a scarlet envelope swooped down, dropping a letter in front of Harry.

He opened it, expecting something along the lines of Molly's letter, except worse, because, well, it was Lily.

Another cannon-like sound went off, making more people spill their food, but that was soon forgotten.

James' voice rang out in the great hall. "HARRY, WE ARE SO INCREDIBLY PROUD OF YOU, DRIVING A FLYING CAR TO SCHOOL, I MEAN, MERLINS PANTS, HOW COME WE NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT?!"

"Because I would have killed you mid-flight, regardless of whether I was there or not," Remus' soft voice said sharply.

"Oh, come on Moony, lighten up, although this was before you had fallen for my handsome charms, so I wouldn't have gotten out of it so easily. James would be dead regardless," Sirius' voice added.

"I-I MOST CERTAINLY DID NOT FALL FOR YOUR 'HANDSOME CHARMS', IF THATS WHAT YOU WANT TO CALL IT! YOU ASKED ME OUT TO HOGSMEADE AND IN THE PROCESS SPILLED BUTTERBEER ALL OVER YOURSELF!"

"Oi, you just told the entire school that in a howler. I mean, just for the record, that never happened, what are you talking about?"

People had started to laugh by now, even Dumbledore, but McGonagall still somehow managed to look stern, and Snape just looked sullen and annoyed at the interruption to his breakfast.

"Get a room you two. Anyway, Harry, I made up a song for you."

"Oh no," Harry said, sinking down low and plugging his ears to avoid his father's singing voice.

Slow music started up, but then a horrible noise rang out through the hall, somewhere between a goat dying and Justin Bieber.

"Cause we are the champions, my friend. But you're a close second, at the end. We are the champions, we are the champions, no time for losers, looking at you, Snivellus, cause we are the champions, of the world!"

Snape had gone purple up at the faculty table, but the music was suddenly interrupted by a door opening.

"JAMES IT IS TWO IN THE F****** MORNING, WHY ARE YOU MURDERING A LLAMA?"

At this, the entire great hall, save for McGonagall and Snape rang with hysterical giggling.

"That was me singing," James said, sounding hurt.

"Oh. JAMES WHAT HAVE I SAID ABOUT YOU SINGING AT ANY POINT IN TIME?"

"To not to," a quiet voice was heard.

"Sirius!"

"Yes, ma'am?"

"What are you holding behind your back?" Lily's voice sounded dangerously quiet, a tone only reserved for when she was really pissed off.

"Who, me?"

There was a screech and a whimpering sound, followed by running footsteps and paper rustling, followed by a slamming door. "SIRIUS!". "Harry, I don't know how much time I have. Remember that I love you and to hide the chocolate from Moony, otherwise, it will be gone in an hour, oh no!"

The sound of a door opening was heard. "AH HA!" "EEP!" "Sirius, you realize that hiding your head under a pillow doesn't prevent me from seeing you."

Harry's first year cousin, Lyra Black-Lupin, facepalmed over at the Ravenclaw table.

"SIRIUS, JAMES, REMUS, IS THIS THE HOWLER THAT I WAS GOING TO SEND HARRY TOMORROW!?"

"Maybe."

"Well then, I can do it right now."

Harry gulped.

"HARRY JAMES POTTER HOW DARE YOU STEAL THAT CAR! ARTHUR IS FACING AN INQUIRY AT WORK AND IT IS ENTIRELY YOUR FAULT-what is it, James?"

"Umm, sorry to interrupt, but you're leaving out the part of how incredibly proud we are of him. Also, Harry, Sirius has offered to buy you a small island because of this! You're doing fantastic, son, keep up the good work!"

"WHY WOULD WE BE PROUD OF HIM FOR STEALING A CAR AND FLYING TO HOGWARTS!?" Lily shrieked.

"Think over what you just said and you will have answered your own question," Sirius chimed in. "Right, Moony?"

"Leave me out of all of this."

"NO, JAMES, GIVE ME THE LETTER! NOW! JAMES!"

"Sirius, catch!" There was another rustling sound.

"SIRIUS, GIVE THE HOWLER TO ME THIS INSTANT!"

"Moony!"

"Agh, sports!"

"Moony, you were supposed to catch it!" "You know full well how I feel about catching anything!"

"NO, LILY HAS IT! SHES UNDERMINING ALL OF OUR CONGRATULATIONS!"

"HARRY POTTER, WHEN YOU GET HOME, YOU WILL BE IN A WORLD OF TROUBLE! MINERVA, KEEP AN EYE ON HIM, JAMES, YOU'RE GOING TO RIP IT! GIVE IT BACK!"

There was the sound of feet pounding on wooden floors and a door locking. "Harry, I think this is it for me. Remember that we love you. Also, hey Snivellus, Dumbles, and Minnie!"

"DON'T CALL ME THAT!" Minerva swore that she would retire if Harry started that up again when he was older.

"JAMES, STOP DISRESPECTING THE TEACHERS AND OPEN THIS DOOR!"

There was the sound of pounding and cracking. "Merlin's pants, Harry, your mother is strong. She just punched through the door!"

"JAMES, RUN!" Sirius' voice could be heard in the distance.

"Here's Lily!"

"AHHHHHHH!"

The letter exploded into ashes on the table. There was stunned silence for about five seconds, but then, as one unit, the entire great hall burst into laughter, even a little bit from McGonagall.

"Ah, Mr. Potter, please write to your parents and godparents to thank them for providing this mornings entertainment," Dumbledore said, chuckling. "Now, five minutes until first class, everyone!"
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Disclaimer: I don't own We Are The Champions, by Queen, or the Shining.