How I Cope

Chapter 1: Starting my Journal...

What is my name?

I am Scarlett Elise Rosette.

How old am I?

I am 22 years old.

I kept the beginning of my journal in bullets, organizing everything that comes into my mind in complete sentences. I then put a sticker of a pretty butterfly in the corner.

What am I?

I am a designer and a model.

Where do you live?

222 Acacia Drive

How do I feel right now?

Like my entire life is falling apart...

Tears fall down my cheeks, leaving streaks in my mascara. Memories haunt me. I had run into Ranena in the store today. She was ecstatic to see me. I was...not so much. Ranena and I had been best friends since the fifth grade, but...one thing led to another, and I have started...avoiding her.

What happened?

Her older, pot smoking brother threw a mug at Ranena.

It zoomed past my head, and then I hid in the bedroom with Ranena.

I never went to her house alone after that...

I accidentally broke up Ranena and Jane.

Ranena had asked me to talk to Valentine about flirting with her girlfriend and groping her ass. I did, just trying to be a good friend, but next thing I knew, Jane had broken up with Ranena and then about 2 days later, had gotten together with Valentine.

Remembering this, I just wanted to scream my heart out. My pink cat tail had started to flick with my anxiety. I put my journal down, laying on my leather sofa. Tears form in my eyes, streaking my mascara even more. My breathing quickens, as my cluttered workspace forces itself into my mind. I start to feel sick as I hold back tears, shaking. I don't want to wake my roommates. Everything I am touching is beginning to feel dirty. "I will never be able to fix my mistakes." 

The words get louder.

"I must be perfect. A model of a perfect being."

"But how can I be perfect when you ruined their relationship? How can I be perfect when Valentine finds me to be the most emotionally abusive person?"

I'm starting to shake. I know she and I were best friends in the sixth grade! What did I do?!

"I know what I did...I got so afraid she would leave me forever that I threatened to kill myself. I couldn't deal with the change of losing her...and I lost her anyway..."

I start to cry, wiping my eyes, and leaving black stains on my hands. I hug my arms, bringing my knees in. My skin was going to crawl off. I felt a rising sensation in my chest similar to drowning. I wanted to cry out, I wanted to shout that I didn't know what to do. Scream that I knew I was in the wrong, and that I was sorry. I'm sorry. I'M SORRY!!

What's done is done. But I'm not done! For a brief moment, I feel like I am going to puke. Think happy thoughts. 

"Think about that new video game your best friend got you. Think about how you can talk about Shantae with Dagger."

I take a few deep breaths. In through my nose, out through my mouth. What's done is done. Valentine doesn't want me back. I'm horrible...

I don't pull out my journal again. Instead, I pull out my sketchbook, and turn to the talk top I was working on. The one with sleeves made to look like butterfly wings. It was so simple, but the straps were what made it so unique. This would be one of my favorite designs. I would start sewing it tomorrow.

For now...after that stress...I need a bath, and I need sleep.