No More Heroes

“Hey...don’t you kids go to our school?” asked the tallest.

The Defenders looked at each other. “Our identity may be compromised,” Bloodreign whispered. “How could that have happened?”

“I swear, I never told anyone, Gerard!” Zombinja pleaded. “I’m devoted to you.”

TechBoy shrugged. “Dude, why would I tell? I’m embarrassed of us.”

“Then we must have a traitor in our midst,” Bloodreign frowned.

“That you do!” came a terrible voice.

A cloud of smoke began to issue from the end of the alleyway as spray-paint flew at The Defenders from all directions. A booming laugh echoed across the walls as a dark figure emerged, a figure dressed in a cape as black as night and a mask to match. A figure who looked remarkably like Ray.

“The fuck, Toro?” Bloodreign exclaimed, wiping yellow paint of his face. “Why would you do this to us?”

“You guys wouldn’t let me play!” Ray pouted. “So I formed my own team, like I said. Except we’re not good like you guys, we’re sorta evil.”

“Please Ray!” Zombinja cried. “Don’t do this! Rejoin your friends! Return to the light!”

Bloodreign frowned at him. “Christ, you’re such a fag.”

“What does fag mean?”

“I don’t know, I heard it off Antiques’ Road Show.”

A spray can went spinning through the air, missing Bloodreign by inches. Fire burned in Ray’s eyes. “I have no time for petty chatter!” he growled. “For I am Professor Pandemonium and I have come for revenge!”

The Defenders took their positions, hands grasping their blades. “We’re ready for ya,” Bloodreign replied. “Bring it on!”

As soon as he had spoken the words, the fifth-graders leapt into action. Avoiding TechBoy’s swiping knives, one crept up behind him and yanked at his boxers, pulling upwards. TechBoy screamed.

“Not the super-wedgie!” Bloodreign groaned. “He’ll never walk again!”

“I’ll save you, Mikey!” cried Zombinja, snatching up one of his knives.

It happened almost in slow motion. The knife flew out of his hands as the fifth-grader grabbed him and was sent spinning through the air. Heads turned to watch it fly, an ear-splitting scream letting everyone know that it had found its mark as blood began to pour, indistinguishable from the scarlet of the spray-paint.

*

“I believe these belong to you ma’am,” said the cop gruffly, giving Gerard and Mikey a nudge out the car.

Gerard scowled at him. “I don’t belong to anyone! I am Bloodreign! Vampire-werewolf-sorcerer-assassin-warrior-spy, and-”

“-Oh give it a rest, Gerard,” Mikey sighed. “Jesus.”

“Hey!” said Gerard indignantly. “You can’t talk to me like that! I’m your leader! I’m your big brother! I practically own you!”

“Shut up and sit down!” snapped Mrs Way. Gerard and Mikey instantly fell silent and filed into the kitchen, staring shame-facedly at the floor.

“I gotta call this afternoon,” she continued. “From Ray’s mom, telling me that my sons had attacked him with knives and were waiting for me at the police station. How do you want to explain that?”

“We did not attack him!” Gerard protested. “We’re Defenders. We were defending ourselves against his evil forces!”

“We were playing superheroes and Frank accidentally threw a kitchen knife and it hit Ray’s arm,” said Mikey dully. “It was Gerard’s fault.”

“What?!”

“You’re the one who made us take the knives! I was perfectly happy with the BB gun but SOMEBODY wanted to be a “real vigilante”!”

“I cannot believe I’m having this conversation with you!” Mrs Way shrieked. “Kitchen knives are for slicing vegetables! Why would you...how could you do something so stupid?”

“Well this is why we didn’t tell you,” Gerard explained sulkily. “We knew you wouldn’t get it. You’re not cut out for a hero’s life, mom.”

Another facepalm from Mikey. Mrs Way’s face was turning slowly from pale to burning red. Lifting a shaking arm she pointed up the stairs. “Go to your rooms. I can’t think straight at the moment. I’ll deal with you later.”

“But it wasn’t-”

“-Technically it was Frank that-”

“NOW!!”

With exaggerated sighs, Gerard and Mikey went upstairs, refusing to meet each other’s eyes. But once in the sanctity of his room, Gerard sat next to the window and smiled. He could see the city from here. The moms and dad’s pushing prams, Mrs Irwin still being wrestled into that police car. It was all his.

The Defenders were down, he knew. But they were not yet out.

Mildly amusing? Just plain stupid? Let me know! :)