No More Heroes

Ray’s eyes widened, his eyebrows disappearing into his curly hair. “You guys lynch rapists?”

“Not just rapists,” TechBoy interjected. “One Direction fans as well.”

“Whoa,” Ray exclaimed, awe-struck. “Can I play?”

“Depends. Do you have Defender weapons?” asked Bloodreign, “You gotta have Defender weapons if you’re going to be a Defender.”

 “Oh, well, my mom doesn’t let me play with knives,” said Ray. “But I got this bubble-blower, right? And if you get the liquid in your eye it stings like crazy! Aw please Gerard, let me play!”

“I’m not Gerard, I’m Bloodreign,” Gerard sneered. “Vampire-werewolf-sorecerer-assassin-warrior-spy and the leader of The Defenders. And as the leader of The Defenders I say leave us, mortal, to purge the city of evil in peace!”

“Fine!” said Ray. “I’ll make my own superhero club! And we’re gonna kick your lame, panty-wearing asses! You will rue the day, Defenders, that you said “no” to Professor Pandemonium!”

And with that he sprinted across the grass, leaving The Defenders bewildered. “What did he mean by “panty-wearing”?” Bloodreign asked.

“No idea,” TechBoy replied.

Both turned to look at Zombinja who was staring fixedly at the floor. “Zombinja,” said Bloodreign very carefully. “Are you wearing your mom’s underwear again?”

“I think that the super-hero industry is way too male and female-dominated,” Zombinja replied matter-of-factly. “There should be more of a diversity. A transvestite super-hero would appeal to the masses really well.”

Behind him came the slap of TechBoy’s facepalm as Bloodreign shook his head dejectedly. “Goddammit, Frank,” he sighed.

*

With feet like those of African deer and the determination of South-American dung beetles The Defenders sprinted through the New Jersey streets, keeping their eyes peeled for trouble. Bloodreign took the lead of course, followed closely by TechBoy who was clutching a stitch and lastly by Zombinja who was finding it difficult to run in heels. The city was their turf, their land. And if any lawless rule-breaker wanted to challenge that they could do it at the point of their mom’s kitchen ware.

“Guys, stop!” said Bloodreign in a loud whisper. “I’ve found some crime.”

He pointed over to where a group of kids were spray-canning a cock onto a brick wall. TechBoy looked nervous. “I dunno Gerard,” he replied. “They look like fifth-graders to me. I don’t think we should get involved.”

“That’s Bloodreign,” Bloodreign snapped. “And isn’t that why we’re here? We’re Defenders! It’s our job to get involved in things which are too big for us! Imagine if no one said anything and those dicks were able to spray-can genitalia wherever they pleased? Imagine how many young minds would be corrupted! Just look at what’s happening to the country!”

“What is happening to the country?” asked Zombinja thoughtfully.

“You expect me to know that? I’m nine, for Chrissake,” Bloodreign rolled his eyes. “Jesus Christ. Okay, let’s go!”

With another mighty roar they charged at the fifth-graders who jumped back from the wall in shock as Bloodreign screamed “Put your hands where I can see them, motherfuckers! Up against the wall! Now!”

“I would do what he says if I were you,” Zombinja growled menacingly. “I know I may not look like much but I’ve actually got super-human ninja powers. Also I can’t die.”