Our Own Ways

letter

July 16, 2018

Seb,
   
  

I never really understood love.

Not when you open the door for me, not when you look into my eyes and tell me i'm beautiful, not when you hold my hands whenever I feel jitters, not when you and I go and watch the stars 'til the sun rises.

Not through the past two years of being together.

I thought of it as commitment.

"I just don't feel the same way anymore, i'm sorry"

The words hung in the air when you sliced through the silence. I never expected it would sting like poison slowly seething through me.

And it dawned upon me. I love you. I love you more than I know, more than I let myself know. More than how I want to.

So I masked it as a thought of just being 'committed'.

But now I know, and now I am certain but you're already letting go.

I should have realized when you held me as we watched the sunset.

I should have known, when you intertwined our hands while the calm waves doused our feet.

I should have realized it when you came running towards me by the pouring rain.

I should have known when you looked at me instead of the beautiful moonlit sky. 

And I know, I know there is no stopping you, because when you make up your mind, your choice is final. And no pleading would ever change it. There is no question of a third party, I know you only loved me- ha, love with a d. That seems foreign.

There it is, the forbearing truth of truths. It is the fact that you had simply grown tired of looking into my eyes to see the sincerity whenever I say my fair share of I love you's or you saw the doubts I had whenever we talked about growing old together. Silly me. I should have seen it coming. After all, I am the cause of our downfall, the separation of us, right now there is only you and me.

I wonder, at which point did it dawn upon you that you were tired of me? That I wasn't enough for you to fight for us?

and I just nodded, and without another word, I stood up and went on my way. I just knew I had to breathe, to get away. You tried to stop me but my head was already warped on the cascading revelation, of my realization- something you need not know. Not when you had just told me you were letting go. It doesn't matter anymore. Stupid, stupid me.

 

I love you. Take care of yourself, I know you'll do well.
 

 
   
    

Valerie