It's not all in my head - Branjie

It's not all in my head.

“Baby, did you have another nightmare?”

The gruff yet soft voice rang out, yet she wasn't able to place where it was coming from. Little did she know, but the voice that held so much compassionate and the small figure that stood in the doorway would be the one to save her, but she didn't know that, not yet.

~~~~~ Earlier that evening ~~~~~

It was just about 8:00 PM, and it was far too early to turn in for the night. Atleast, that is what Brooke was considering and running though her head as she stood in her bathroom, barefoot on the cold tiles beneath her. Usually she stayed up for most of the night, reading and waiting for a text or even a call from her girlfriend, Vanessa.

Tonight was different though, she was exhausted from practicing for most of the day for upcoming auditions that she had set her sights on. Brooke was a Ballerina, and was a member of a very prestigious ballet company. She loved what she did, but she knew that it came with long days and endless amounts of anxiety and panic that would set in around audition time. Part of her knew that she was very good and deserved her spot; yet the part of her that believed that she wasn't worthy for anything good that happened was far larger. It overtook the good thoughts and made her mind race, made her good days into bad days and bad days into the worst days.

She tried to keep that part of herself hidden, under wraps and behind reinforced steel walls. Believing that it made her weak, stupid and more like a failure everyday. She only wanted to show the good parts of herself, to only show what she could control. Convincing herself that she was fine and that the deepsetted panic and anxiety would go away, like it was just a visiting guest.

Brooke let out a deep breath and picked up her toothbrush, squeezing an appropriate amount of toothpaste on the brush. She closed her eyes with a small sigh, brushing her teeth and tapping her nails against the sink. Spitting out the paste and rinsing with her glass of water, she quickly finished her teeth, dropping the brush back in the holder with a small clang.

Raising her hands above her head and stretching as she padded out of the bathroom and into her bedroom. She smiled lightly, leaning over and petting the top of her cat's head lightly before going out and replenishing the food and water bowl. Turning off the kitchen light, she headed back into her room and turned off her own light before sitting on the edge of her bed.

Brooke picked up her phone, and considered texting Vanessa and letting her know that she was going to head to bed early. She hovered her fingers above the keyboard precariously, before deciding that she wasn't going to see it anyway until she was finished, and knowing Vanessa, she wouldn't check her messages anyway. She placed down her phone and stared at it for a few minutes, her decision running around her mind. Should she had texted? Would Vanessa be mad? Was she being stupid?

She closed her eyes tightly and took another deep breath, crawling under the covers and turning to face the wall. It was hard to fall asleep lately, it was hard to sleep when you never stopped thinking and your mind never stopped turning and coming up with more ‘What If's’. She had been having nightmares lately too, waking up in cold sweats and more of a panic then before she had fallen asleep. A good night's sleep was starting to get rare, and it showed. Yet after an hour of counting sheep and and listening to rainforest sounds, she was lucky enough to fall into a restless sleep.

The kind of sleep that tangles your sheets around your outstretched limbs, the kind of sleep where you toss and turn more than you actually stay in one position. The kind of sleep where you wake up seemingly every five minutes even if it feels like hours. The kind of sleep that Brooke was used to for the last few weeks. She was used to this routine every year, but this year it had worsen and heighten far more than she had felt in the previous years. It was getting out of control, yet she wasn't able to convince herself that this was anything besides a small hurdle in the race that was her life.