Trauma

I want a dog

Bucky POV

"I want to get a dog" , said Bucky, also known as the winter soldier. His head was resting on his boyfriend's lap, his long, brown hair spilling out underneath him. Steve aka Captain America, the boyfriend, tilted his head slightly, absent mindedly running his fingers through Bucky's brown, soft hair. The words had suddenly burst out of Bucky. He had, of course, thought about it for a long time. Thought it through over and over again. Thought about the right moment to tell Steve what he wanted. He was overall a great thinker. And now he lay there, the moment nothing special at all and burst out with his wish. Not preparing Steve at all. Just disturbing a peaceful silence.

"Hmmm..." , hummed Steve, looking down at his friend. Bucky grinned up at him, trying to look innocent. The hum did sound promising. It made his hope rise.

He really wanted a dog. He was surprised at how desperate his wish was. How urgend it suddenly felt. He wanted to get up and dressed and pick up a dog somewhere to bring it home this very second. Steve telling him that he couldn't have a dog would tear him apart.

"Maybe that is a good idea... I mean... With your PTSD and the occasional anxiety attacks of yours. Dogs are said to calm people down. And you would be occupied. It would give you something to do. You could play with it and go for long walks. It would be there for you when I have to work. You know how I hate to leave you home alone..." , muttered Steve. Bucky couldn't keep himself from yelping with happiness. He suddenly felt energised and ready to face the day. And anything else that may come.

He wasn't competely happy about the way Steve had put it, making the dog his chance to finally help Bucky who pushed help away as soon as he realised that it was help. But as mentioned before, he really wanted this dog and if it made Steve think that he finally managed to help his boyfriend then said boyfriend would live with that.

"Really?" , Bucky inquired, sitting up and staring at Steve, his face glowing with happiness, just inches from Steve's. Steve grinned now, it was obvious that he was pleased to see his boyfriend that happy. Bucky wasn't the overly cheerful kind of person after all. It got exhausting to keep the facade up after some time. He couldn't manage to keep his real feelings covered all day and since he shared a flat with Steve he had to be honest with him. The first time Steve had seen his boyfriend grudgingly staring at a bowl of cereal he had worried about having made a mistake for solid three hours until Bucky had thrown a "God damn it, Steve, I am feeling down and it's not your fault! Not everything is your fault!" at his boyfriend. After this Steve had turned into a worried ball of action, trying everything in his power to cheer Bucky up, actually managing to make hin smile for a second or so.

So having Bukcy grin like an idiot was a special occasion and something that was meant to make Steve happy.

"Why, yes. I'd actually thought about it before. I just wasn't sure if you would be okay with a dog... Since you are not willing to accept any kind of help, whoever offers it to you" , said Steve. Bucky pouted. That wasn't fair. He just wanted to manage things on his own. He just wanted to be strong. Strong enough to get through life on his own. His life had been determined by others for so long, he had been under Hydra's control for so long, their strong weapon. Their strong killing mashine. Now he wanted to be the strong boyfriend of Steve Rogers. He had been fighting in the damn war too after all.

"That's not true! I am perfectly fine when you offer me to help me take my clothes off", said Bucky, trying to distract Steve from the helping topic. It was nothing he wanted to talk about. Not today. Not ever. Seeking help or simply accepting offered help was weak. He was James Buchanan Barnes and he had served in the army. He had been a brainwashed assasin. He was strong. He had to be! There was no space for psychologists or doctors. For dogs though... There is always space for dogs.