today has been interesting
I woke up with a restless energy that has tainted my hours of consciousness with a bizarre emotion of vibration. My nerves feel electric, and I can most certainly say "Not a fan."
speaking of
We made a realization today. I'm a reptile changing skins to meet the wants of others. I guess I have just been rationalizing it as 'my key to success'. Realistically its been holding me back for quite some time now. On top of that, it has probably been a contributing factor to the absolute entanglement of feelings that I consider my emotional state. This discovery led to a few actions I think might help. For one, this production that I am currently typing. I don't know if I want to call it a journal? Notes? Whatever it may be, writing it has actually quelled a small bit of that restless energy I spoke of.* The second product of my discernment was to delete my social media, and any apps on my phone deemed similar. I need to discover myself, not absentmindedly
*As I write this, I struggle to determine if I will publish this for her or anyone else for that matter to see? It's an interesting thought process. I want to have this written down, and it is making me feel better. Keeping it private may be an easier alternative to allowing it to be seen. But the easy way is generally less rewarding? Not sure that applies here though. Probably not. Also, I realize that this is very scattered, and I literally just went on a huge side note in the middle of a sentence, but this is my thought process so it is to remain.
scroll through other peoples lives, trying to find inspiration. I need to inspire myself, love myself, and create a personality out of this shapeshifter I have become. I've also grown to hate social media. It's brain rotting, and time killing. The same could be said about video games though, and thoroughly enjoy those. They also make me think. I think I hate social media (and this may be a huge facet of reasoning) because of one solid personality trait I know is mine. Jealousy, territorial instinct. What's mine is mine. It's hard enough to share with people I know, but even harder for people I don't. Can we also talk about my insecurities?
This process has actually been enjoyable. Just writing thoughts. Getting it on paper. Putting the effort in to actually do something mentally intensive besides my job. Because nothing I do now really is mentally intensive. I need to play chess again. I need to learn something new. I need to go to college? But my laziness might kill that, oops. That being said, I need to study simplicity. Habit. Routine. How to set my self up for a good day. Half the battle is being prepared and knowing what to do.
I like my job. I think it is a good place to be. I like my managers. I am trusted. I am good at my job. I like teaching new people. Teaching is fun. When the student learns. It is frustrating when they don't. Maybe I should be a teacher? I'm annoyed with my income. Inconsistency is annoying. I am inconsistent. Oops. I guess I actually have a lot of things I need to address with myself. When I have the time. I think this is a good stopping point.
