Looking into her sad eyes tore me apart. Knowing how much pain those big brown eyes have seen make me want to go back in time and take all the heart ache away. She was never completely happy, but never completely sad either. The one thing she did with everything single fiber in her being was something that I can never repay her for, she loved us until the day she died, and we were the tripod that couldn't be beat. We were the three girls who had conquered everything that was thrown at us. Everything the universe did to rip us apart was useless. To this day I don't know what brought us together, or even what kept us so strong, but I do know that whatever it was, it left with her. I know that this tripod is forever broken and we will never stand the same way we did before.
It was like the sadness took over inside her in an instant. It wasn't a gradual thing like most people assume, at least to my knowledge it wasn't. I won't act like I knew everything she ever thought or felt, I can't even begin to process the things I do know. It was a constant struggle and I never saw her give up, instead I saw the spark in her die out, as if no more light could be held in such a sad creature. Her smile faded away, her step became a dragged walk like a puppet, forced to make every move without a single choice. Her soul was shouting for help but the chains inside her prevented it. Nothing we ever did could have fixed her, and that's all we ever wanted to do.
Thinking back to the beginning and going over every detail makes it seem so obvious that this was the inevitable. The chains brought her down to the bottom of the ocean and she drowned, while all along we assumed she would teach herself how to swim. I sometimes wonder what I could have done differently, maybe if I found her quicker the first time I could have stopped the rest of the dominos from falling. Perhaps I did stop some of the dominos when I took her life into my hands and made sure she was okay. I made certain she was as okay as she could possibly be, but it may be what made her worse. Shining light in the darkness can bring out secrets that should have been hidden, thoughts that should have stayed in the black, things nobody should know even exist.
Trying to pinpoint the day this all began is anything but simple. The only possible thought in my mind is that awful Tuesday in March. The atmosphere was off and nothing felt right, almost if my heart knew what would happen just before my mind had caught on. The way she looked at me passing her in the hall made my breath hitch and my heart hiccup. There are no words for the emotions that were felt when she didn't show up to our usual lunch spot, her smiling face didn't greet her two best friends in anticipation for being together again. Nobody else quite knew the importance of this and the world just continued to orbit around the sun while my heart sat rested in the pit of my stomach. My feet carried me around back to the house we shared .An unfamiliar face accompanied by a worried voice came to me; she was looking for me in the one spot I had never thought to check.
Rushing in the bathroom I heard the water falling from the faucet and I knew that the tears from her eyes were only falling faster. She piled the blue capsules down her throat as if her life depended on it, little did I know her life depended on the end of her desperate attempt to numb the pain. I took the bottle and threw the remaining pills into the toilet and flushed them away so they could do no more harm. She was begging me to let her sleep, all she wanted to do was sleep, but I knew better because if she closed her eyes at that moment I would have never seen those big brown eyes again.
That was the last time I saw her for weeks, not knowing if she survived the night. Despite her body living past the traumatic experience her mind and soul will never be the same again. She came back a hollow version of the person she once was, functioning on antidepressants and the small hope that one day she would finally be happy without needing help. I think if she would have held on just a bit longer, she would have reached her goal. She was now broken and fragile- eyes always attempting to show people how she feels but all they seem to care about is her fake smile. Few have noticed the dead girl walking and the few who did never dared to speak a word, afraid to jolt the last bit of life out of her with one wrong move. They all seemed to know she was a beautiful disaster, but nobody seemed to notice the two girls constantly caring for her.
Daisy was a special girl. One of the most special people I have ever been blessed to know and love. Even in her darkest hours she took it upon herself to shine her light on everybody else. It is safe to say this world is missing something without her, but now we have to move on. We have to laugh and love like we aren't missing a huge part of who we are. We have to try to cover up the hole in our heart that she once occupied, but I'm afraid that is not possible.
Remembering her was like remembering every happy moment you have ever had in your life, although one memory stands out like a rose in the middle of the woods.
"Wake up princesses" Daisy yelled as her wavy brown hair tickled my face. I rubbed my eyes and looked over to Grey sitting up in her bed. She shrugged her shoulders as if she also had no idea what Daisy could possibly want at 5:30am
"Dais what is happening" She smiled at me and grabbed me out of bed with Grey not far behind me. "Well if I told you that it wouldn't be a surprise now would it" She laughed that famous laugh that no matter what made you smile
After driving for what seemed like seconds, she stopped the car and looked back at us "Okay Grey, Reese we are here on an adventure so smile and help me unload the car." She hopped out of the car and made it around to the trunk of her Nissan Altima, pulling bags onto her shoulders.
I opened the door into the moonlight darkness, it was then I heard the noise that made me finally realize we were on the beach.
We sat on the beach for what felt like hours, listening to the waves kiss the shore. Under the full moon we sat, not making a sound as it seemed to take all our thoughts into the night sky and falling along with the shooting stars. She broke the silence by pointing to the sky and saying "You see that girls" we looked up to the moon and nodded our heads, understanding what she was showing us. "I love you to the moon and back" We smiled as we sunk back into the silence that allowed us the think and be together.
