The Trouble with Faking It / Tyler Seguin

Chapter 17: Don't Give Up On Me

I haven't heard the story in ages so I creep upstairs and stand outside Clara's room to hear her read it.

"Why does this say 'to Daisy, love dad'?" Clara asks Tyler. "Did this book belong to my mom?"

Tyler's voice cracks the slightest when he answers her and I don't know if it's because she just called me mom or because he's thinking about my dad now. "Yeah, he gave it to her when she was around your age I think."

"Where is he now? Why haven't I met him?"

Tyler doesn't reply right away because I know he's struggling whether this is his place to tell her but when she prompts him again, he sighs.

"He went away. But I'm sure he would have liked you."

She quiet for a moment. "You mean he died. When people say somebody went away, they mean that the person died."

"Yeah," Tyler tells her. "He died."

"Is that why she's always so sad?" Clara whispers so quietly I almost don't catch it.

"What do you mean?" Tyler asks, sounding confused and I don't blame him. Why does she think I'm sad?

"Never mind." Clara says quickly and he doesn't push her because what we've both learned, when we push Clara to share how she's feeling, she retreats into a corner and we end up back at square one.

When I hear Clara start to read the book, I slide down on the floor and listen to them read the story my father read to me so many times growing up. He would tell me that I should always be my own hero and to never let somebody else stand in the way when I set my heart to something.

It reminds me again how little I really knew about my father. I had always painted him out to be this big monster in my story. The big bad man who tore my family to pieces and left me to clean up the mess but deep down he was a tortured man who was battling demons that none of us will ever understand and I don't think I want to.

Tyler finds me sitting outside on the porch swing a little later. He points at the piece of paper I'm holding.

"My dad's letter." I say quietly and Tyler only nods in understanding, sitting next to me.

I re-read it a couple times before folding it up and stuffing it in my sweater pocket.

"Every time I think I understand why he did it, I realize how wrong I am." I whisper. "At first, I thought he did it because he wasn't happy with how things were going. Then I thought he did it out of guilt. This time I think he did it because he thought things would be better for us." I shake my head and look at Tyler. "What kind of father does that?"

"I don't know." He says softly. "We'll never know but it's just something you have to learn to live with."

"Yeah." I whisper. "I guess so."

July 24th

"I'd like to come meet her." My mom says.

"I want you to meet her too, I just don't think it's a good time." I tell her. Who knows what kind of reaction Clara would have?

"She's been staying with you for a month now."

A month from Hell.

"I know, I just need more time. Okay?"

I can tell she's not pleased by my answer but she respects it. We chat a little longer before she has to go. With promises to invite her to visit soon or bring Clara to Montreal (very unlikely), I say bye and end the call.