To the best person I never had,

By the time I'm telling you that I've written this for you, you will probably be home - 165 kilometers away. Chances are, I won't be holding you in my arms where I know you're safe. I won't be beside you where I can safely say that you will always be here with me. But if the stars do align, and I'm with you when you're reading this, please let me hold your hand.

Hopefully, by the end of this... whatever this is, you will finally understand what you really mean to me.

The truth is, I don't know where to begin. I don't know how to start this either. I haven't written anything of significance for a while. The last time I did, I failed miserably. And I don't want to face the same thing with you. I won't even know if you'd want to read this, to be honest. I won't know if you would even believe the things I've written on here. I'm not sure if you even have feelings for me. Nevertheless, here goes everything.

You tweeted once, "Just when he finally decides to take the risk, it was already too late." That one tweet started it all. I messaged you, you replied, and so on. The next thing I knew was we had a conversation. I thought nothing of it at the time. Why should I, I thought, it was probably just a one time thing. Until one conversation turned into another, one good morning became good night; and slowly, I fell, then all at once.

I want to be truthful and say that at the time we started talking, I was moving on from someone else. She treated me like shit. She made me believe that there was something to love about me. And when things fell apart, those things became the reasons she used to kill whatever positive thought I had of myself. I want to be truthful and say that I was so scared of doing that to you that there are times where I wish to stop those conversations - to stop talking to you altogether. I want to be truthful and say that because of that fear, I still overthink things a lot. Yeah, we are comfortable now, but it wasn't as easy back then.

Luckily, you made me so happy that it didn't matter in the end.

I think I've already told you why I always wish for your happiness. Partly because that's what I wish for myself, too. Mostly because that's what you deserve. 

I've lost important people throughout my life. I lost my friend to depression a couple of years ago. I never got to say goodbye to my grandfather when he left. I've had so many people come and go that whenever people stay, I almost subconsciously think about how long it will take before they leave, too.  

We talked about the future once. You told me that you would go to the university I will most likely attend for college. You told me about your parents and how they already had your life planned out, and how you have no say in it whatsoever. Then, a few weeks later, you told me that you would take an entrance exam in Manila. A few weeks after that, you told me you would be studying there, instead. When you told me about the results, I was happy for you. But when we exchanged our 'good nights', I cried. 

You were leaving, too. 

I wanted to tell you to stay. I wanted to tell you that I would rather have you here, with me. It didn't help either that I just had to believe in the thought that if it's meant to be, it'll be. Just once in my life, I wanted to be selfish and tell you that you shouldn't leave. 

I didn't. I just kept thinking that that is what you wanted. You want to be in Manila. I may not see you whenever we chat, but I know the way you type things when you're interested. I know the way you say things if you really want it. I wish I could say the same whenever I'm around you. 

I keep asking you if you have feelings for me. I keep asking you if there really is something between us. Here's why:

During the long break, you told me the words I never want to hear: "Ayoko maging unfair sa'yo... basta wag ka lang masyadong mag-expect." I swear I heard my heart break into so many pieces as the tears fell one after the other. To me that means I have no hope. The battle hasn't even begun, I already lost the war.