Me, anxious. Like always.

Bring me back to the beginning. Where do you think it all started?

Everyone starts out by being excited, right?

Not me.

I started out with a panic attack.

I was in front of the computer, my whole family behind me. My stepdad gripping my shoulders, his breath afraid of leaving his mouth. My mother stood beside him, her posture the only thing composed about her. My two little twin sisters straining their brow in an attempt to care, but I know they don't even know what's going on, their imaginations are jumping around in undiscovered galaxies made of candy and carefreeness. They've yet to be corrupted.

There's still a minute left on the clock but it feels eternal. Time is stretched out.

Tired.

Waiting.

Patiently.

Me, not so patiently.

Me, anxious. Like always.

In less than a minute the results will come up. Just some pixels and letters in a cold computer screen determining if the tears in my eyes will be of happiness or sadness. The tears might be the same, but the tumultuous feelings inside of me are not.

Happiness if I am accepted.

Sadness if I am not.

Simple as that, right?

Not really, but I don't have time to explain because the results are coming live just about now--

I stare.

Shouts surround me, try to reach me, but I am not there.

My eyes are glued to the screen.

My stepdad is jumping.

There are tears.

My sisters have no idea what's happening but shout anyways.

I try to breathe.

I can feel my mom smiling, it's warm.

But I really can't breathe.

The shouts finally reach me, engulf me.

I'm in.

The darkness surrounding the edge of my vision appears to not care about the fact that this should be the happiest day of my life. I try to force an elusive breath into me in between the smiles and the tears. But the darkness keeps coming. Oh no, not now, please. Please let me celebrate and enjoy like a normal person and not faint the second excitement overwhelms me. But of course, the darkness and the breath that wisps away from me don't care about my prayers. They whirl around me dancing and poking and laughing until my brain gives up and decides to turn off the lights and lock the door. The last thing I remember is my stepdad and sisters and mom twirling colorfully in between shouts and warm smiles.

* * *

When I come back to myself, the world is wet. It's raining and I'm snuggled up next to my mom, the smell of coffee sits on my nose. She notices my eyes waking up, my presence stirs next to her. She strokes my hair.

"So, excited or afraid?" -she says, and I can hear her smile.

She knows exactly what had happened, but still asks. The words of my answer are still half asleep but I sheepishly push them off my mouth.

"Both, I can't get excited without being afraid too".

"We're going to have to work on that this summer you know."

"I know. But right now I just please want to-"

"I know"- she says softly. "Tonight we just celebrate."