Seventh Horcrux

Harry Potter vs. Gilderoy Lockhart

"Yeah!" the redhead yelled, sparking a wail from Myrtle's toilet.

"...Salazar had standards."

The grin melted off his Weasley face. He said, "But it's still probably Malfoy, isn't it? I mean, him and the other Slytherins are the only ones who believe in all that blood purity stuff."

I snorted. "If Malfoy were the Heir of Slytherin, he'd be bragging about it. All the time. He would be right here, in our faces, bragging."

"We're in the girls' loo," Hermione said.

"Like that would stop him. He would follow us into the girls' loo just to brag about it. I mean, honestly, this is Malfoy we're talking about here. There are two things he mentions in every conversation: his father and his money. If he were the Heir of Slytherin, there would be three things he'd mention in every conversation."

Hermione pouted. "So, that means we don't need to brew an illegal potion with stolen ingredients, knock out three of our classmates, tie them up in a closet, sneak into the Slytherin Common Room, and interrogate Malfoy?"

I gaped at her. "Was that your plan?"

I fear that Hermione may be the most evil of us all. That is concerning since I am a retired Dark Lord.

I stormed to the girls' loo, cloak snapping menacingly behind me. There had been another attack. This one targeted a student who aspired to be my minion, one day. Though I had no particular fondness for Creevey, I also didn't have enough minions to start losing them to my own giant monsters.

What was worse, however, was the imposter's apparent ability to guess my password. I suppose "Slytherin's Locket" wasn't the most unique password, so I changed it into something less obvious.

Malfoy's summoned snake launched itself onto one of the students. Oh, sure, I could have stopped it, but I didn't really care. Besides, our medicine is pretty good; he would probably be fine.

The real question is why no one else did anything. There were plenty of people around - Severus, Lockhart, the other students - and, as far as they were concerned, I was just a stupid second year who most certainly couldn't speak to snakes.

Taking advantage of my opponent's distraction, I disarmed him and hopped off the stage. I do so love winning.

"Hey, Hermione," I asked, "Who's the kid with the snake on his face?"

"Justin Finch-Flechley," she murmured. My minions flinched at the boy's screams.

"Everything burns!" my...erm, Malfoy's victim cried.

"Who?"

"He's a Hufflepuff."

"Oh, that's alright then."

I had finally finished reading all of Lockhart's books and had determined that I was doomed. He was talented in hand-to-hand combat, as evidenced by his battle against seven werewolves while wandless. He had mastered battle magic as well, tearing through smaller dark lords with ease and routinely using spells I'd never even heard of.

Worse still were the skills that he had neglected to name. For instance, several of his fights had occurred simultaneously, while on opposite sides of the planet. Many would assume that this was a printing error or proof that Lockhart was lying, but I was not so naïve. To someone with my knowledge of dark magic, it was obvious that Lockhart was a master of the Multis Me cloning spell, which was outlawed three centuries ago for inducing madness in its caster.

He even hinted at this in the title of his newest book Magical Me.

I also worried that he would see through my Harry Potter persona. An actor of his caliber would no doubt recognize such actions in another.