Letter to My Best Friend

Hey, its the last day of school. I slipped this into your backpack when you weren't looking, I probably told you you had a pocket unzipped. So, the day is over, and I leave for vacation tomorrow. I kindly ask that you read the whole thing before you text me "Charlie what the fuck is this letter thing you gave me." In fact, I would probably ignore you involuntarily just because of how bad the service is where we're going. This letter means a lot to me and I have been trying to write this for a few months, so please be considerate of how I might feel writing this.

I delivered this on the last day of school simply because I am a coward. I wouldn't be able to face you after saying such horrible things and I might end up imploding from all the pressure you put on me. 

Simply put, I'm scared of being your friend. Not because you're scary or mean or anything, but I am scared you're going to explode on me. One day we're the best of friends and another I mean nothing. I'm scared of losing you. I know it sounds cheezy. But I don't have any weird feelings in case that is the vibe you're getting. If you were to cut me off then I might actually kill myself. Talking to you is like walking on pins and needles. If I speak my true thoughts then you might get offended and decide I'm not worth putting up with. This has happened a few times in the past, but after an hour or so you cool down and act as nothing happened. You can't blame me for being scared that you won't ever see how unreasonable you can be and decide that no matter how sincerely I apologize that I am the scum of the earth. 

If I were to lose you as my best friend then I would lose all my other friends as well. There is a good chance that they would side with you and leave me behind in the dust. There's a good chance no one would notice as well, considering that if you sit between me and Rosie, then you simply talk to her, and I just kind of sit. Thinking. 

That is why I might kill myself. As it is now I feel emotionally isolated, which is something I will elaborate on later. If I have no one to look up to and laugh with and express myself with and to joke and have fun-- if I don't have a friend then I would lose my mind. Some people can deal with - and even like being alone. But my mind races a million miles a minute and if all thoughts were to turn negative, the constant pounding and beating on my conscious: you're such a piece of shit, nobody wants to be your friend... wow, you can't even get someone to stick around for three years... You can't even get a man what makes you think a girl would want to hang around you... no one wants to be seen with someone as ugly as you, that's why they don't want you around anymore and why you can't get a boyfriend... over and over the thoughts perpetually increasing in severity until I finally drive myself crazy. Those statements are things that I already think about myself, I can't imagine what life would be like without someone to vent the bad thoughts too and be the voice of reason.

About being emotionally isolated, I feel like no one in our friend group would understand all the thoughts racing through my mind. It's like I can't be serious with you. Whenever I spend too much time thinking about a certain topic I sort of feel like I have little revelations about myself. Thinking and thinking, I came to a conclusion a few months ago that the reason I have trouble meeting new people is that I copy personalities, so when I don't know how someone acts, I don't know how to act, and that's when the weird start to show. I could elaborate more but now isn't the time. It's little things like that I need to talk about with other people. If I have an idea or fact bouncing around in my mind then I just need to get it out. But when I announce to you a conclusion I feel proud about coming to, (like the one mentioned before) you just brush it off as me being weird, and I feel hurt. And I know I can't talk about it again, maybe in a situation, you would be more inclined to listen, because then you would say that you heard me when I talked about it before, and be unwilling to listen. 

I don't feel comfortable talking about those kinds of things with anyone else, so I feel trapped. It's like living in a bubble. I want to be let out. Thanks for reading. I hope I didn't get too weird or technical and that all my thoughts were coherent. I think I'll understand if you don't talk to me when school starts up- because I'm not trying to guilt trip you into being my friend. By writing this letter I sever our ties on my grounds, in a way my feelings about our relationship are put on display in a way you can hopefully understand. I know I forgot a few things in this letter, but this is long enough. Sorry for wasting your time. Don't get me wrong, I would still love to be your friend, but I understand where you're coming from if you decide that you want to cut ties from me. If necessary, I feel I can muster the strength to accept the fact that this was for the best.I just want this to be on my grounds, not from some petty argument you thought was more important on being right on than being my friend. I wish you well.

   Sincerely, Charlie