My Suicide Notes

May 9, 2019

See the thing is is that people think just because I walk around smiling and laughing means im happy, but really im just hiding. Im hiding because I dont want people to know what's really going on in my mind. I don't want people asking me question's and saying they are there for me because, if im honest, how can anyone be there for someone they don't really know.

Some have seen me cry and break down. Some have seen the scars and cuts. Some know my past. Yet they look at that and still think im fine.

I tell you I don't want to be here and you say that you're always going to be here for me. Yet I tell you I don't want to be here and you make no effort to help me.

You leave me to my thoughts. You let me drown myself in my sorrows.

So I hide them now. I hide them because no one really cares. No one is really there for me.

I stopped reaching out for someone because no one helped pull me up.

June 13, 2018 I was found dead. Im here now and everyone keeps saying that they're so happy im here and im alive and survived this long. Yet that wasn't my first time and I wish it was my last.

I wish my stepmom and step sister came home just a few minutes later than they did. I wish I didn't stop at 400 pills and I took all 700. I wish I died.

I wish I wasn't sitting here writing this right now.

See people think they know me. People see the smiles. People see me laughing.

Im hiding.

Hiding from everything and everyone. I don't want the questions that have no meaning. I don't want the hugs that are only given as an act. I dont want the "I love you"s and "you are cared for"s.

All I want is to know how to get better. How to feel again. How to trust.

See I let people take advantage of me because thats all people expect from me. I let bad things happen to me and do it with a smile.

Why? Because I feel nothing. I pretend whats happening is love. I pretend people care.

So they touch me and I say nothing. I dont say no. I dont say yes.

Why? Because they tell me they love me. They tell me they care. They say they want me to be happy. They say they will always be there for me. They tell me they want to always be with me.

Do I believe this. No.

Then why do you let it happen. Because I let myself just for the moment pretend its all true.

Pretend someone actually wants me here.

See no one knows me. You don't know me.

Im telling you who I am yet you still don't know me.

Everything about me is fake.

When im alone. Thats the only really me.

Sitting in my room drinking, smoking, cutting, taking pills with my music blasting so I can't here anything else the world has to say.

Either eatinv anything I can find or nothing at all.

Sitting in the shower for hours or laying in bed all day.

But the second someone comes around I throw on a smile. I laugh at the things they laugh at.

I pretend to be okay.

You don't know when I lose interest in the things that used to be the reason why I lived and the only things that made me happy.

Dance, making music, art, singing, going for walks, going for runs, cooking, riding my bike, going for a swim, texting and calling "friends", watching certain tv shows, playing video games, going to church.

These things I loved I know longer have the energy for it.

My life revolves around drugs/smoking/drinking, sex, porn, music, and books aboug sex or suicide.

Yet you think im happy.

Im failing all my classes and messing up every where.

But im smiling so im okay.