Bella
The sunken feeling in my chest never went away — it ached, pulling me down like a thousand waves had been crushing me under a never ending tide. The pounding of my heart seemed to be louder than the sound of the bus going on the bumpy dirt road. My breaths were short and irregular; I was panicking . Something bad was happening today. Really catastrophic.
The wheels of the bus landed to a stop making everyone seated jump out of their seats at the sudden halt. We'd arrived to our destination. I rapidly put my heart to my chest to stop the never ending madness in my core. I closed my eyes, putting my hand to my chest and started counting to ten as I slowly breathed in and out — something my therapist taught me to help me in those type of situations.
1... 2... 3... 4–
"B?" Mae's worried voice broke me out of my trance. I snapped my eyes open, turning my head to her direction. Her expression was solemn at the sight of a broken version of me. She caught me in midst of my panic attack like an insect trapped in a spider's web. "M-Mae?" I choked out suddenly feeling ten times more anxious. "Bella?" She repeated, her voice wavering with emotion. "You just had a panic attack".
I shook my head, feeling my brown curls fall beneath me and pool down to my waist. Her hand dismissively made its way towards my face, cupping my cheek gently like it was the lightest, most fragile glassware in the world. Her face held an emotion that I couldn't decipher. "What's wrong?"
I let out a nervous laugh which sounded all but convincing. "I just remembered I forgot to turn off the oven back home" the dull-witted lie relished silly as it rolled down to the tip of my tongue. The change in my usual calm and collected tone to a loud and chirpy one was a big fat giveaway.
She seemed unfazed by my attempt at trying to coax her that I was fine and rest her head on the seat. Her blonde silky locks fell on her face but she seemed unfazed by it. I could swear she almost let out a sigh of relief. "Good. I thought you were going to get another one of your flashbacks". She gazed at me beneath her eyelashes, her eyes traveling to my hand on my chest before continuing. "If you still need help, you can always call Dr. Martins"
I cringed down trying to study my shoelaces. There was no way I'd go back that path. Last month I promised myself things were okay now. My father's death was far behind me now. My mind wandered back to the image of me going through sleepless nights rocking back and forth on my bed telling me otherwise.
No, I was just perfectly fine.
Mae frowned. She always read me like an open book and I hated it. It was clear I lied to both her and myself without thinking of the aftermath. You've still got eye bags under your eyes. You look like a tired raccoon!"
I knew this was because of my nightmares. If I went back to sleep, I'd have to go through it all over again. Mae truly cared and I pushed her away like it was no big deal. But truth to be told, it was the exhaustion behind all this facade. It was ruining my mood, my life.
"I don't need Dr. Martins to help me, Mae" I scoffed feeling offended by her statement. Grabbing my belongings, I stood up and headed to the exit of the bus without looking back or helping Mae with whatever she needed. I was going to enjoy this summer but Mae was pressing an unpleasant idea into my head, trying to return me down the memory lane of something I wasn't capable of going back to. My burdens were far behind me and nothing was stopping me this time.
Her calls for me were far away now. I made my way towards the gate of our new summer camp and felt my hand tighten on the bag that hung loosely on my shoulder by the minute. The sound of my converse pairs crushing against the leaves increased my anxiety.
