12/04/1970
It's been a month since he left and I can't stop thinking of him.
He's in my dreams at night, where we are among the stars, on the planet we shared.
He smiles at me, and suddenly the mood turns dark and gloomy when suddenly, there's a ratchet sharp pain in my chest as he utters the words I have dreaded for about a month now
"It's over."
He disappears into a pit of darkness and I spend years searching the planet for him, but he is nowhere to be found.
It's a reoccurring dream (maybe more suitably a nightmare) but it feels too real, so much so it physically hurts.
I can't seem to shake the thought that we could get back together one day, but in the rational part of my brain, I know it's never going to happen.
I've never had and never will have any other love like that. Partying, sex, coke seem to fill in the void he left when he broke it off with me.
I get back to my dorm expecting him to be there, expecting his warm smile, waiting for his cheeky remarks and funny jokes.
That's all gone now, though.
Out of thin air the love of my life drifted away from my arms to his own planet.
His own "happy" & straight planet.
I hope he is really "happy" there.
Maybe I should write a bit of a backstory, this is where I'm supposed to keep my deepest, darkest thoughts.
Freddie and I were normal "friends" for a while... Well, we weren't even merely "friends" at that point, just two people thrown into the same college.
He had his group of "popular" assholes and I had my group of genuine best friends (their names are Brian and John).
Every now and then we would be put in groups together with other people in Biology.
We usually weren't put in partners, so, it took me by surprise when me and him were put together for a simple project.
Even though he was associated with dicks, he was a shy, kind soul.
After class, I invited him to my place to work on the project. Turns out our dorms were really close to each other ( about 2 doors down) so it wasn't an issue.
We worked for a while, when he finally started talking. Once the ice was broken, we were treating each other like best friends. He came up from the floor and sat next to me on the sofa. Out of nowhere, he kissed me.
I was in awe. I thought I wasn't gay (I was basically in denial) so I was quite shocked at this sudden action, so much so, I froze.
After he realized what he did, he began apologizing profusely. At the time, he had a girlfriend, Mary, AKA the biggest bitch you have and will ever meet, who he was clearly no longer interested in.
After recovering from the momentary shock, I basically pounced on him, craving the thrill of being with another man & just being with him in general.
I didn't know it yet, but I was in love.
That was freshman year, and now we are seniors.
After the "incident" we were practically inseparable, always hanging on to one another, and, he even broke it off with Mary.
I introduced him to John and Bri, who were understandably confused.
A popular kid rarely looked our way, so it was a giant deal that one was sitting with us, and trying to become friends with Brian and John.
(PS this all happened within like a week)
As far as they knew, we were just really good friends for the first month he sat with us, but, friends don't usually hold hands and occasionally peck each other on the cheek.
After that, it was pretty much an unwritten rule that we don't talk about it even though it was extremely obvious.
His old friends didn't even bat an eye when he stopped sitting with them, but once they figured out what was going on, they teased him relentlessly.
We spent most nights together, so it wasn't much of a shock if I walked in to him on the couch, watching the telly or something like that.
One night, I came home to him bawling his poor chocolate brown eyes out. I held him, comforted him, did what any good boyfriend would do, and eventually he stopped and tried putting on his tough guy attitude ( I could see right through him).
The teasing never really stopped, until recently.
One day it was all great with hugs and kisses and the next he walked off, with no hesitation.
I don't want to write about that yet, I hate even thinking about it.
I wish I could pretend it never even happened.
As I sit here alone, crying, writing in a goddamn diary like a teenage girl, he's down the hall fucking that bitch.
Her name is Barbara (bUt hEr FrIeNdS cAlL hEr BaRbIe) and she's practically insufferable and obnoxious.
I like to think he cheated, rather than one day thinking "Fuck Roger. Barbara is hotter anyway." (Spoiler: she's not and I can and will fucking rock a pair of thigh-highs).
She always gives me dirty looks whenever I pass her, and I can't help but think she hurts him.
I walked by him yesterday, and he had sunglasses on. INSIDE. The Freddie I knew would never do that. Hell, did I ever even really know him? If I asked him to do that while we were dating he would probably say something like "Are you crazy darling? Inside? That's a fashion monstrosity."
I wish I could say I don't miss him, but I do.
I hate fucking other people. I hate being lonely. I hate this. I don't know how much longer I can go on.
Maybe he will come to his senses.
(If my future children ever read this, tell your other Dad that your glad things worked out, If not, you kids don't exist.)
And Freddie, If you ever read this, just know:
I still love you.
YOU ARE READING
Hold Me (A Froger Story)
Fanfiction(9 parts, though it says only 1) Roger gives you guys a glimpse into his life (or his diary) after a devastating event. Will the love they had be repaired?
