Am I enough?

Astrid's Internal Debate

I'm already dying. This thing, this demon, inside me is consuming me like a cancer. It is devouring me whole, ripping apart my happiness, destroying my friendships, isolating me from my family. I have a constant urge to slice my skin open with a razor. I read once about a tribe of Native Americans who had an annual bloodletting ceremony because they believed demons resided in one's bloodstream. I feel like hurting myself is the only break I ever get from the constant torrent of depression crashing over me, simply because, for just a moment, my physical pain outweighs my emotional pain. It's not like anyone would even miss me. I am nothing. My friends don't seem to care about me anymore. They assume that my conscious effort to be happy means that I AM happy. It is constant struggle to motivate myself in anything other than school and my fine arts. My music, my dancing, and my art are the only things I have that control the ocean of sadness that threatens to drown me. My parents don't think that I'm depressed. They assume that it is merely a rage of teenage hormones causing the imbalance in my brain. And yet, I don't see every other teenager have the urge to slice themselves open to relieve themselves of the day's emotional bullshit. It has been five months since I last cut myself, and that's only because of a promise I made to two people who I thought actually cared about me. I think I was wrong about at least one of them. Which sucks, because they used to be my closest friends. I just get the feeling that everything would be better if I weren't alive anymore. My friends wouldn't have to worry about me anymore, and My parents wouldn't have to deal with an emotionally unstable daughter anymore. I just have to talk to Nate and Vivica about it. It's solely on my promise to the two of them that I'm still alive.

**Author's note: This first chapter is based entirely on truth. It's a battle that I have with myself daily, and that millions of people like me fight through as well. If you are contemplating suicide, please call the suicide hotline at 1-800-273-8255. I promise, you are enough, and stars shine, even in the darkest of nights. There are people who love you, even when it doesn't seem like it.

Take care of yourselves, and I love you all. Thanks for all the support.