The Rough Tide

chapter 2

“…Khalid got mad after I told him, he wanted to confront Faisal and he wasn’t concentrating on the road, he…he didn’t see the truck until it was too late, I tried…i…I tried to get him to calm down but I couldn’t, I’d told him to let it be, that I’ll tell him when we got home but he didn’t listen” she said the last part quietly.

When she finished talking the tears I didn’t know I was holding flowed. Mami sat motionless staring into space, her own tears flowing, Zara had pulled her knees up and was hugging them, her eyes were dry probably because she’d cried out all the tears she had in her. None of us moved for a while, we all sat there quiet and motionless until Zara’s sob broke the silence

“you see…do you see why I deserve this?” she was saying this in between sobs “I never should have told him, then maybe he wouldn’t have been so mad and he would have noticed the truck, I was so so stupid Mami, I killed him, i…”

“don’t” Mami cut her short “don’t you ever say that again, it was not your fault, he asked you and you told him, what happened on that day is qadr (fate), it was his time to return to Allah and there is nothing…” Mami wiped off some of her tears before she continued “… there’s nothing you could have done, when its someone’s time to go you can’t add or reduce even a single second so what happened wasn’t your fault, o.k. Zara? It…it wasn’t your fault” Mami was trying very hard to control her tears, I felt my chest constrict and throb and I knew I had to get to get home, I couldn’t sit there anymore. I quickly got up

“i…I have to go home” I stammered “ I have to go now”

And without a backward glance I quickly left the house. Once at home and in my room, I locked the door and got out the familiar bag that I depended on so much this days. Once I had what I needed to calm me down the events of the night came flooding back and the tears flowed

‘OH Allah…” I pleaded “please help her heal and help her overcome this pain”

    *****

*Zara*

I watched Sadiq’s retreating figure as he hurried to the door. I couldn’t blame him, I too had not been able to stand myself so how could he me, he probably couldn’t stand the sight of me, Mami held me as she cried and this time I let her, I needed the comfort, and I thought maybe now I could feel better.

*****

I woke up the next morning with a killer headache. I laid there on my bed listening to the sounds in the house. The clock on the wall facing me said it was 8:30, the twins were probably in school now, downstairs I could hear voices, probably Hafsat and Mami, I turned to pick Ameera up but she wasn’t there, the panic that set in disappeared as fast as it had come the moment the events of the previous night came flooding back. Mami and I had come upstairs and she’d taken Ameera to her room, I remembered Mami’s cries and Sadiq’s broken and shocked face when I’d told them the whole truth and the voice that had warned me not to tell them what happened years ago came back to life in my head saying to me  clearly “I told you so”. Remembering Sadiq’s rushed words and his retreating figure as he had left yesterday without a backward glance made the tears pool hot in my eyes, but I wouldn’t cry, I blinked them back, if he didn’t want to know me anymore then so be it, I still had Mami, Ameera and my siblings, I didn’t need him, but even as I said that to myself I knew in my heart of hearts that it was not true I needed my best friend.

By the time I had a bath and got downstairs it was a little after 10. I found Mami in the kitchen on a chair feeding Ameera the remains of her baby formula, she looked up as soon as I came in. I greeted her and picked Ameera up, who already had her hands up for me to take her, she was smiling showing me her little teeth, I hugged her and she started to laugh. I held her close as I watched Mami wash out the bowl and spoon in the sink. She looked worn out and her eyes were puffy like she’d cried all night