Three months ago, I thought nothing in this world can break me anymore, I have overcome a lot of bullshit and pain, still kept my smile and head high. But this year January 5th, 2019 I lost my world and that broke me in ways I didn't even believe was possible, it brought back memories from childhood that I had suppressed down and didn't even know about. Everything has come to the surface. I have emotions and feelings with what I don't know what to do. No psychologist, psychiatrist or any therapy has helped me, all I wanna do is be with my daughter. Every day struggle to get up, to keep myself occupied to not give up, for my family and friends. Everyone knows me as a strong and powerful person, I'm not. Not anymore. I used to be because I had to be the family black sheep to hold and keep the family together. Whenever somebody had a problem, they called me. I know a lot of people, but very few know me and if I do let them in, to try to make them see what's going on in my head, they back down and tell me, they don't want to know that kind of darkness. Nobody has ever seen me down or cry. Always smiling.
At a very young age, I had to learn how to pick myself up. I was 3,5 years old when my dad passed, my mom hit the bottle, my older sisters moved out as soon as they could and the third sister I had left, my mom gave her away for adoption. My mom and I moved in with a man who had three boys, and results of my mom abuse for alcohol, she never knew what was going on back then, I was alone more times than I can remember. I barely remember my mom from those days. I remember I had a room below the stairs in the cellar, to escape from the two younger boys. I was 4 but I knew what they were doing to me and when I saw my mom, I told her, she didn't believe me and told me that I was angry at her because I can't see my dad again. I was scared but my mom didn't care, she was constantly away leaving me with them for weeks. My mom excused her behavior a few years back, that she didn't know how I felt, she didn't understand how badly it effectual me, my mom didn't understand that she wasn't the only one who lost my dad. I was teased and bullied in kindergarten, in school for my mom's actions. I started lashing out, getting more angrier to the world.
Finally, at age 7 we moved out, I thought my nightmare was over. It wasn't. Different men came along, older, creepier. I didn't know how many men my mom had, but we lived in a small town, that meant when your mom is easily used by men, that means you are too. Often my mom pushed me to go with men so they can give "ice-cream" while doing things to me, honestly, I didn't know any better. My mom made me believe that it was okay to go with strangers.
It finally ended at age 9 when my stepfather came and literally saved my mom from that dump she was in, for the past 6 years. At least for the men part. My school got worse, by that time I was a really angry child, I had no friends, nobody to depend on, all I ever wished for was that one person who will be there for me, who will choose me no matter what, who I will be enough... I'm still looking for that person. I got into a lot of fights with my parents, students, my teachers and principal until one day they threw me out. The alcohol never left, so two years later age 11, I was sent to a boarding school. The bullying got worse, my roommate literally tried to kill me if there wasn't for my teacher but by that time I didn't care anymore, I stopped caring. It was easier. I just sucked it up and finally started abusing alcohol and drugs. For a full year, I was in so deep, I wished just one day I won't wake up anymore. I almost got my wish. On my birthday when I turned 12, I got an overdose on heroin plus alcohol poising, and I survived but my family, huh how I love them, my whole family disowned me and called me a disgrace instead of helping me, seeing how much I was crying for help. But no, they just sent me to rehab and that's it. About two months later in rehab, I got a visitor. My older sister Helen, who my mom gave away when I was younger. Turned out she was trying to reach me for years, but my mom kept shutting her down and when she heard what happened, she came back, without my mom say in it. By that time I hated my mom so much, I hated everything about her, I cut off all connections with her.
