Detached

Chapter One: Numbness

         Jessimen's POV

        Since I could remember, I could not feel anything. Sadness, happiness, anger, jealousy, envy, all that jazz. It just didn't come to me; I didn't feel anything in the emotions department, only the absence of them. So, thinking that I was broken in some way, I binge read multiple books that explained the human brain and explained emotion. I read books from multiple genres, taking in everything that related to emotion. I studied human behaviour even. And, even though I couldn't relate to any of my classmates emotionally, I figure I'm doing pretty well in high school.

        The real story begins later in my Junior year... Hopefully I can describe it well enough for you.

            A fellow Junior shoved me up against the lockers as he passed by, Chris I think his name was. He looked at me as he passed me, making eye contact with me, and I, unwaveringly, meet his eyes. I don't flinch away from his heated gaze, and I quickly analyze his body behaviour and expression for a split second. According to his behaviour in a whole, he despised me for absolutely no reason, and was a bit attracted to me. This was, unfortunately, not uncommon among many people I have met, and by people I mean teenagers.. usually. It was possible that it was my slightly feminine figure, and unearthly features. Despite the fact that I retained a girlish figure, I towered over most of the teenage population. I was about 6'2" (189 cm), and had hair I'd been growing out since I was fourteen. 

       I had no particular feelings, or any feelings, about Chris. He was definitely one of the more popular boys, a "jock". He was on the football team, and had a cheerleader girlfriend, which was typical. I didn't know what problem he had with me, but if he did have one I did not care nor mind it. I broke our overly extended eye contact and walked away from him, hitting his shoulder with mine roughly. Almost hard enough to make him stumble, then I walked away unaffected. 

    I held my books loosely in my arms, the hallway slowly becoming more deserted as I walked to the English hallway. It was still early in the morning, only the second period, so I hurriedly made my way to my English room, not wanting to be late, as the English teacher was crabbier in the mornings. I rushed into the classroom, keeping my face reasonably blank and rushed to my seat, sitting down seconds before the bell rang. I sighed, twisting my expression to look relieved, and shove my books into my desk. 

   Usually, the teacher didn't start the lesson for a few more minutes after the bell rang, so I had a  few minutes to quiet, or as about as quiet as it's going to get with a classroom full of gossipy teenagers and a crabby teacher, and a hyperactive seatmate. I relaxed back into my chair and closed my eyes, letting out a heavy breath.

   "Hi, Jessi!" chirped Gwendalin. "How are you?" 

   I sighed again and replied without opening my eyes. "Fine. And you?"

  I hear her quick intake of breath, and focus on her heart rate for a second. And this reveals what I've been suspecting, or as suspecting I can get, that Gwendalin has a crush on me. Wonderful. 

 "O-oh I'm wonderful. I had cinnamon rolls for breakfast, and I heard that.." I tuned her out and focused on relaxing before I had to endure the torture of the rest of the day, and before I had to endure the chaos that was lunch, because I knew that I wouldn't have this spare time before then. My schedule was, unfortunately, packed so that I couldn't have study period, which meant staying up late so I could study and later, after studying, continuing to study the human brain and emotions, like I have been for many, many years. All of this studying resulted in my very few hours of sleep, which created bags under my eyes, which concerned my foster mother. 

  I opened my eyes as the teacher cleared her throat, and started to speak in a high, clear, and vain voice and I forced myself to pull out my notebook and readied myself for note taking. 

*****

  Finally, after several hours of exhausting note taking, and forcing myself to focus on teachers instead of passing out, lunch came around. The bell rang, and I gathered my stuff up and almost bolted out of the classroom. I sped-walked to my locker and spun the combination lock, shoved my books and binders into it, and grabbed my packed lunch. 

  I slammed shut my locker and shoved through the halls, pushing past people to get to the cafeteria. 

  "Jessi! Jessi! Hey, wait up!" 

  I groaned, stopped and turned around.

  "Yes, Gwendalin?" I asked, standing perfectly still, and looking down at her 5'4" frame. 

  "I wanted you to wait up so we could get lunch together..." She said, sheepishly, and looked up at me, and then my brown bag packed lunch. "Or at least eat together."

  "And what gave you the impression that I wanted to eat lunch with you?" I said curtly, and stood perfectly still, staring numbly down at her. 

 "Well, you always sit alone, reading those books of yours, and I thought that it would be nice of me to.. you know.. give you some company." She twiddled with one of her braids, and continued to gaze up at me with honey coloured eyes that would make any other boy melt and give into her. 

  "Well, I'll just ignore you." Like I do most of the time anyways, but she doesn't seem to know or acknowledge that. "So there's no point in leaving your little posse of friends to sit in silence by a person who doesn't particularly like you back." I spoke in a blunt tone, leaving no room for argument as I swiftly turned around and made my way to the cafeteria. I didn't have to turn around to know that she was choking back tears, that she was trying not to cry to save face in front of all of her pupils. It was no matter, as she would run to her friends and cry, both literally and figuratively, to them. 

  And I, being as I was made and raised, did not care, partly because I couldn't at all and because I didn't want to.