Always and Forever

We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together

Falling in love is one thing. Infatuation is another. I am not in love with Ian Somerhalder, I am infatuated. If only I knew him. I know I'd be in love. I claim I'm in love with every celebrity I think is sexy, it's a bad habit really. But you can't blame me because of the ugly assholes at my school.

Most days I spend time in my room with Netflix on my iPhone. All my friends are out having a life while I'm stuck in watching The Vampire Diaries on a tiny screen, not that I'm complaining or anything. Being stuck in a room with internet and books is heaven to me. The thing that hurts my feelings is that they never actually invite me. If they invited me, there would be a possiblity that I would actually go be social.

And then sometimes I wish that I'm graduating and leaving this place. All I want to do is get away from my hometown. I love my mother (hate the rest of my family), but sometimes you have to make sacrifices. Selfish people live longer. That's the motto I live by every day. I still do a shitload of things for people, but I do think about myself a lot. I think about how sad I am and how much I don't want to be here. I think about how horrible people are and how horrible I am for wanting to leave my family, although they aren't good people.

I'm only in my junior year and I've got another year to go before I can actually think about living. I thought about divorcing my parents and legally going on my own, but then I realized how bad that would make me look at the family reuinons, if I even go.

And my friends? Oh, god. I don't think I have any real friends. There's only one girl that I care about deeply on a best friend level and we're not even really friends anymore. Believe me, I have people to eat lunch with, but they are assholes. I have to admit I'm disappointed with some of the people in my generation. Sometimes I find myself daydreaming what it would be like to live back in the 80's, happy and normal. Without texting or email, having to actually go up to people face-to-face to talk to them. Actually having to go outside to have a good time instead of staying in my bed reading books all day. I am grateful for all the technology, but I do wonder what it would be like to actually have a life.

I guess you could say I'm depressed. I don't consider myself depressed; I'm just in a very deep sadness that I need to fix with travelling. I just want to go somewhere else. I just want money to travel all over the world and discover different cultures and meet new people. But what I want most of all, despite how selfish I am, is to start charities. I want to go around, starting random charities for random things and help people. Life is shitty enough with horrible politics, racist and homophobic people, no need to be homeless or sick while you have all these horrible people around you. I believe that you should be able to be racist and homophobic without people giving you dirty looks, but I just don't believe in treating people different just because you are racist or homophobic. So I want to travel and stop all the sickness and homelessness and help people while still being a little selfish myself.

I'm reserved. Most people see me as a nerd because I love to read, but I can get very defensive. Some people call me mean just because I put up walls and block them out by insulting them when they make a joke. I am a little bitchy naturally, but for the most part, I'm just trying to protect myself from getting hurt more than I already am.

I just want out. Completely.

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The funniest thing about my life is most people would be completely content with it. I'm just the selfish bitch who wants more. I woke up, got some breakfast, said goodbye to my mom, got on the bus and talked with my friend. I just don't exactly feel like this is what life should be about. Going to school everyday without anything eventful happening while I was being ignored. I just think that there's something more in life.

"Are you listening to me?"

I snap out of my thoughts and I look up at Lanie. My other best 'friend' is beautiful. She has blonde hair, wavy most of the time and she occasionally dyes it. And she has these beautiful blue eyes that everyone would kill for. She's tall and model-like and completely amazing. The only problem with her is that she's unreliable. I wish she would be because she'd be that popular girl everyone would truly like.