Eyes on You

Lin

"This will be your grandniece, basically," she pointed out.  "Are you saying you don't want to be around her?"

"No, not at all," I insisted.  "It's just...any kid I have I wanted to be completely devoted to."

"And you will be," she said.  "You're an amazing father."

I didn't respond, just quietly thinking.

"Why are you still so against this?" she asked me.  My eyes flew to her face, sensing in her voice she was upset.

"Sweetheart, I'm not against it," I insisted.

"You told me six months," she went on.  "How can you not be ready now?"

I sighed, laying down on my back completely.  "Well, if we're fighting constantly, are we really ready for a baby?"

"We're not fighting constantly," she said.  "The only thing we fight about is this baby."

"And what happens when it comes?  Are you gonna be upset that I'm not spending enough time with it?  That I'm not helping enough?  Because work has been crazy lately.  I'm away a lot."

She let out a disgusted sound and turned away from me, resting on her side.  I let her be for a minute, then scooted up so I was against her back.  I gently brushed her hair away from her neck and pressed a kiss to her skin.

"Let's wait until Isabel gives birth," I told her.  "Then we'll know what we're dealing with."

"I can't believe you sometimes," she practically growled.  I knew nothing I said right now would make a difference so I quietly slipped away, turning onto my other side.  I turned out the light and we went to sleep in the middle of an argument.

____

The next morning Isabel and I were both working at the kitchen table on our laptops.  I'd been glancing up at her every once in a while and noticed her forehead getting more and more stressed.  Finally, she snapped and threw her pen to the floor.

"Ugggghhh!!" she screamed.  "Math is the devil's work!"

"Problems?" I asked her.

"Too many," she said.  "I wish I had someone to explain it to me in person."

"Well, that's one of the sacrifices with online school," I said.  "Could you call the instructor?"

"I call her all the time," she said.

"That's her job," I pointed out.  For every subject, she had a real-life instructor who was giving her assignments and checking in with her.  They were available by phone if needed, which I encouraged her to use.

Suddenly she was in tears.  I don't know where it came from.  Pregnancy hormones, I figured.  I stood up and pulled a chair up next to her.  I gently shooshed her as I put my arms around her from the side.

"It's okay," I told her.  "It's just math."

"But if I don't pass I can't get a diploma!" she told me tearfully.  "I'm not gonna make it through sophomore year."

"Yes you will," I insisted.  School had always been a struggle for her, particularly math.  I was proud of her tenacity and willingness to do the work lately.  She wanted to be a good example for her kid.  "You're doing exactly what you need to do.  And you need to ask for help when you need it."

I kissed her temple then got up to get her a glass of water and some tissues.  She accepted them and I sat next to her again, rubbing her back.

"Once you've calmed down, let's call up your instructor," I told her.  "She's always very helpful."

Isabel nodded and dried her tears with her tissues.  A few minutes later she dialed up the instructor and put her on speaker phone.  She walked Isabel through a few problems and she seemed to be understanding it better.  Isabel had a tendency to get overwhelmed all of a sudden.  She'd be fine and suddenly snap.  Pregnancy was making it worse.

I went back to my own work but kept a close eye on Isabel.  She seemed to be able to work through the rest of her math problems just fine. 

Luna got home that afternoon and rushed over to the couch, where Isabel was now laying on her back.  The new routine after school was feeling her sister's belly.  Isabel rolled her eyes and pulled up her shirt so her little sister could feel for her little cousin.

"He hasn't been moving much today," Isabel told her, but Luna still moved her hands all over her sister's stomach, a look of wonder on her face, hoping to feel a kick or punch.

"Come on, little dude," she called to him, her face up close to Isabel's belly.  "Give me a kick."

"He can't hear you," Isabel told her.

"They can hear music I think," I told them from the kitchen.  Luna's eyes lit up. 

"Can we blast some music?" she asked.

"Good idea," I said.  "What should we choose?"

"Not Cardi B," Isabel told her sister.  "I don't want her getting corrupted by that bullshit."

I grinned and pulled up some classical music on my Apple Music.  I turned up the volume and then placed my phone on Isabel's stomach.  They both laughed, causing the phone to wobble.  Then Isabel's expression turned to one of surprise.

"Ooooh!" she touched her belly, down low.  "He just kicked!  Must've woken him up."

Luna grinned and put her little hands where Isabel's just had been.  She giggled as her hand was kicked.

"That is so cool!!" she exclaimed, causing both Isabel and me to laugh. 

After a few minutes, the little boy settled back down and I took my phone back.

"Alright, homework kid," I told Luna.  She groaned but went to her room dutifully.

Pippa arrived soon after with Ellie and several bags of groceries.  I helped them unpack as Ellie told us about her day at preschool.  When we were about done, Isabel wandered over, hand on her belly.  Pippa beamed at her and put her own hands on either side of Isabel's belly.  She'd long ago gotten used to the fact that Pippa was going to be handsy.  Pippa felt incredibly protective of both Isabel and the baby.  She was her support system.

Pip was giving me a bit of a cold shoulder today since our argument yesterday.  Maybe I was being unreasonable.  I'd asked her to give me six months and she had.  Now I was asking for three months more.  There was still so much unknown.  I didn't want a time frame to get in the way of making the best decision for us.

As we climbed into bed that night, Pippa turned away from me, her body close to the edge.  I watched her gently breathing for a few moments, wondering if I should try to start a conversation.  In the end I decided to let her fall asleep, the tension between us still growing.