So Close (a James Hetfield story)

Chapter 26

It was an hour drive up to Glen Falls, NY where the band was performing the next day, and Joe and I spent the time catching up. I was happy to hear that he was still doing roadie work for some east coast bands, since I knew how much he loved working behind the scenes. He was still at the family farm, and his younger brother had moved in while attending college. I think Joe liked the company, and I could hear the pride in his voice as he spoke about keeping his brother on the straight and narrow while going to school. I guess we were all growing up, each of us, in our own way, making that next tentative step into adulthood.

I was lost in thought for a moment and didn't catch Joe's question until he repeated himself. "So...um...are you and James doin' ok? I noticed you disappeared at the album release party and then I saw James tearin' outta there lookin' real upset. You can tell me to fuck off...I'm just worried about you two is all."

"There are a lotta people I wouldn't mind tellin' to fuck off, but you Joe definitely aren't one of them."

I knew my attempt to avoid the subject with humor was feeble at best. He shot me a look and I sunk lower in my seat, staring out at the passing scenery.

"Things have been...challenging," I said softly, but I knew he was listening. "I don't think either of us completely understood what we were gettin' into with the band becoming successful. I'm really happy for him...for all of them...they've worked so hard and deserve it...but—"

"But I imagine it's hard to have a normal relationship?" he supplied helpfully.

"Yeah, I guess that's part of it. Lately though...lately I'm just startin' to wonder..."

I couldn't finish the sentence, it was too painful to even think it much less say it.

"What are you wondering Lei?" Joe prompted gently.

When I answered, I did it quickly before I chickened out. "I...I'm startin' to wonder if James even wants to be in this relationship anymore."

The words hung in the air for a moment and I felt my chest tighten with grief.

"Did he say that?" I could hear the disbelief in Joe's voice.

"No, not in words, but...but more in the way he's been actin'. I keep tryin' to give him the benefit of the doubt, I know he has a shitload of pressure on him right now but—"

"But that's no excuse Lei. You should always come first."

I appreciated Joe's loyalty, but the direction of our conversation was more painful than I was up for at the moment. Abruptly, I changed the subject. "So, how much farther to the hotel?"

I pretended to not see the look he gave me.

"Fine, I'll let it go," he grumbled. "But just so's you don't think I'm one-sided on this whole thing, I have one more thing to say and then I'll drop it. James has always loved you like I've never seen a guy love a girl. Not that I blame him." I blushed at that, and his mouth stretched into a grin as he continued, "Maybe he's pulled in different directions, maybe he has a lot on his plate...but I'd bet my ass that you are and always will be, the most important thing in his life."

I felt my eyes mist at Joe's words and threw him a grateful smile. Taking my earlier cue, he started talking about the area we were going to, filling up the rest of the drive with conversation that had nothing to do with Jamie and me. Before I knew it, we'd arrived at the Ramada Inn that the band and crew were slated to stay at, though I noticed that the tour busses had yet to arrive. Joe went to go check on his room while I curled up on an oversized chair in an adjacent lounge area. My eyes began to droop and I didn't even fight the urge as I slipped into slumber.