November 2013
Dear Yang,
Since our time differs from mine, here I am writing this letter I never thought I can never do this again. You make me do things I don’t usually do. You make me say things that I only say to you. >.>
I am real.
Whatever you’ll say to me, that doesn’t change anything about how I treat you. You see, I don’t look for perfection of a man, but a man who is willing to be with me and who knows how to be contented is what I always wish to be with. I don’t know what you’ve seen in me that make me special but I am just an ordinary woman who does anything to live as simple as I can.
I am like this, my belief is traditional, I have an old-fashioned behavior, I look in simplicity of things because I believe that in order to be happy, one should know how to satisfy herself in whatever she has.
I am like this because I intend to reserve my all to someone I want to share my life with. I don’t go out with guys because I feel like my future husband will be disappointed in me. I am bitter because I want to be sweet only for one man. I am faithful because whenever I feel something strange in my heart, he will have my loyalty whether he wants it or not.
I have this principle that in order to gain a man’s respect, I should not play the love itself. I hate a short term relationship so it did shatter my soul every time someone left me behind.
Let me tell you about my story and how I ended this way, why I become like this, and why I am in the shadows that I can’t never pull myself away. To make you understand something, to make you feel something, to make you see that I am not special as what you think I am.
I have three ex.’s. My first love I thought that would be my last, but after he left me behind because his ex girlfriend got pregnant, it hurt me deep not because I loved him so much before but because he destroyed everything I believe in. We had only three months of our relationship but I end up on the ground as he had said these words,
“You are nothing but a prize to me. You are so aloof that I tend to challenge myself to make you fall in love with me. And you already did. You fall into my trap like a weak woman and you make yourself the most precious prize that any man can be proud of. Be the first ever boyfriend of a famous manhater and a stupid perfectionist”
It broke my heart, so bad that I become numb instantly. I was eighteen that time.
The next one was like a long distance relationship, he had the choice to see me but he never did like I am not in his priority list. The day passed as I was meant nothing to him at all, he never came in my birthday, He never greeted me in Christmas or even New Year, and he forgot our Anniversary. He took me for granted, so bad that I let him go. Then I realized that I was a fool all along. He already cheated on me with my brother’s ex girlfriend and I was the one who had introduced them to each other. He hated me because I couldn’t give him what he wanted—to offer him my body.
In order to make him satisfied or to show how much I love him, I needed to sleep with him even if thinking of it disgusted me. He never saw my real worth. And I was so stupid to be with a man who can’t love me. I didn’t want to make sex with him or to anyone because I want to be pure when I will wear my bridal gown someday. That my future husband will be proud of me because I offer him my all…
I never ask for too much. But why does God made it so impossible to have for someone like me? I never did anything wrong. I always do the right things even if I’m not happy with it. I want to have someone who can love me for me. But whenever I tried, I end up losing myself. I am a fool and I am nothing but a woman with a broken heart.
Then the last man came, like a knight I thought he would be. He made me smile after everything I’ve been through. He was there for me listening and giving me advices. He had no spark just like everyone but I gave him a chance to prove to me how much he cared.
But he only not destroyed my heart but he also destroyed my life. He used me to survive. He lived because I cared even if the whole world told me how bastard he was but I didn’t listen. Because I thought that time, no one ever understood me but only him. My life was ruined because I tried to save a man.
Then one day, I woke up with my senses.
Wishing for a love, I end up like this.
I become cold and I everything I see was a just a lie. Admiration means nothing and love is just an illusion to me anymore.
But I should keep my life going. I cannot bring back the past and I only have this cruel present. But I want to keep on fighting even if there is no reason to fight at all. I want to be the woman who can love my own, who can appreciate my own self, and who can make me worthy in everyone’s judgmental eyes.
I live my life exactly as I was before. But I still keep on wishing, that even if I am like this, even if the whole world tells me how miserable I am, someone will see my worth.
Several had tried to save me after, but they end up leaving me behind. I really cannot blame them because in the beginning, I am never worthy of anything now.
I am a disgrace.
Nothing but a disgrace…
And then you came. You are not a knight but you gave me a hope. A hope that will soon be a wish… A wish that eventually turn to a dream…
When I think of you, for a moment I want to be selfish but I just can’t. It hurts but I can’t stop a feeling that I don’t even know that I can feel like this to anyone. After that tragedy, I promised myself to be alone forever. But you came.
And you came so damn late.
If only you know how much I am scared now but I don’t want to lose you. Others just come and go, they can ease some pain, they can give me light, they can give me a hand, but only you came to save me. And every time you tell me that, it makes me cry that I can’t even stop my tears from falling. Silly man, you bring me happiness and it feels like it’s an illusion that any moment it will fade away. That’s why I’m scared.
And I don’t even know what is going on.
The more we talk, the more I end up dreaming again which is an odd thing for me. To dream… when all my life I don’t want to dream anymore even if how badly I need it. Your words create a new world that I know it will only happen in my reverie. What have you done Yang?
This is not me. Or maybe this is me deep within in the dark.
.
Yes I know, you’re special too, but I don’t want you to be obligue yourself in saving me. You have every right to walk out into my life (even if I don’t want to). You have your freedom to leave me. But it doesn’t change the fact that you already have something in me. And I hope that you will take good care of it…
I want to have a hope but you’re like a dream to me. I’m still shattered and I don’t want you to see me like this. There is a weird feeling deep within making my emotions unstable all the time but I like it in a positive way…
And I only want you.
I called you “Yang”, which is not really a guy version of me. It is simply a way of telling you that you are my other part, my other half, more like a soul mate… I don’t know. I think I’m just weird. >.>
Hopeful,
-Yin
PS: I want to be me like you want me to be… but I don’t even know where to begin.
